Driving Miss Ellie

Here it is late again. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Dave Matthew’s Band is playing behind me- the CD, I mean; telling me he’s “23 and so tired of life- such a shame to throw it all away”. Funny, I can relate. It’s melancholy. Sobering. Sort of what I need to sort out my head on a night like this. It’s H’s old CD collection that I’ve taken over. Not that he noticed or cared. And it saves me buying anything really new.

I have found that I am downloading a lot lately though a couple services. Napster was okay at first, but I’m finding it less and less useful now. I rarely get a chance to listen to much music now with Elle spending so much time in the car. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. I love taking her home- and I get to do it more now football is over. Then days when I don’t chapel, or detention. (I’ve had detention twice this year for being late. Fair enough.) I take her shopping on the weekends, and where ever else. She hops in and puts a CD right in- sometimes even before the door shuts.

Elle spent last summer in England with her Grandparents- before we got together, and she came back with this whole arsenal of British music that no one has ever heard of, but she insists on educating us brutes. I let her do what she wants and it makes her happy.

I saw Sara tonight, I should say. I don’t mind writing 'Sara' because no one calls her that anymore- but a few people anyway. I only call her that in private. Just as a sort of personal thing between us. And when we’re by ourselves, she just totally unwinds, which is cool to see. She smokes and swears and gossips and is just herself for the twenty or thirty minutes we’re alone. She tries to get me to smoke a bit, but I can’t stomach it and she tries to get me to bring her some alcohol, but I can’t get it. She says- if only I was older. I won’t be that age for a long time- I have to keep telling her, but she still acts like my 21st birthday is just around the corner.
I wish.

Wednesday Night Insomniac

Wow. It’s late now. I just can’t sleep. I keep thinking about tomorrow. Same as I do every Wednesday night. My heart beats fast and my palms get sweaty. Just laying in bed thinking about this girl. I’m thinking about what she smells like and what her skin feels like and I’m thinking about her eyes and her little pink lips smiling at me. I feel like I should explain how I feel being with her, but it might be rather explicit; offensive? I don’t know. I know I can say this- I enjoy her a lot.

I can imagine people sitting there thinking what a jerk I am for having a girlfriend, and then doing something with someone else, and I totally know what you’re talking about. I always hated guys that give the ‘good’ guys a bad reputation for pulling stupid crap on their girlfriends. Well, stupid crap just like this a matter of fact. I know if Elle ever found out what I was doing behind her back, she’d be crushed. That’s sort of why I’ve made a conscious decision not to sleep with Elle. Even though I really really want to- and I want to be her first, I keep thinking that she is going to find out one of these days and if I take her virginity that it will be a sour memory for her instead of a good one later on. She deserves better.

Anway… it’s too late. I have a long day tomorrow. I can not wait.

Went to see Jumper last night.

We’re going to Chapel soon.
I’m ready to go… just waiting for the parents now. They take forever. My brother is meeting us. He usually does that. He works a 320 acre farm almost an hours’ drive from here. I am ready ready ready to go and the longer I sit here, the more impatient I get.

Anyway, I met up with my girlfriend last night... Yeah, I did say girlfriend. And before you think it- no, didn’t have sex. I don't mean last night, I mean on a whole. She's still a virgin and we've come close a couple times, but she wants to wait till she's married and I have to remind her of that sometimes. She’s beautiful. She really is gorgeous even and she has the best looking body I think I’ve ever seen, even in some of the magazines. She has long blonde hair and brown eyes. And she’s just- great. She’s perfection. She totally does it for me.
Her dad coaches my football team, and we’ve had “the talk”. The kind you see on TV, but somehow I get the feeling that it’s left to TV mostly. He’s a scary guy- but he trusts me with her so, I’m glad of that. He’s stopped quizzing me on where I’m taking her, or what we’re up to. He’s come in on us kissing in her room, but even that wasn’t too bad, cause I know to keep my hands to myself.

We saw “Jumper” last night. It was good. It was more of a ‘my pick’ than hers. I really REALLY didn’t want to see that “Juno” and felt it was a battle worth fighting. We’ve been actively dating for like five or six months now and she’s really a sweet girl. Some of my friends are convinced we’re at it, but I have to laugh them off, and leave them in suspense. They’d be wondering what I was doing if me and her wasn't doing it. Okay, this ‘she, girlfriend’ her’ business is making me a little nuts. Her name starts with an ‘L’ , so I’ll call her Elle, for explanations sake. Oh and my brother- ‘H’.

Well, that’s them ready to go- so, off I go. Later.

Should I be writing this down?

I just got home from school. I got a call on the way home, and agreed to go out tonight. I feel guilty. I'm sitting here and I'm wondering how I got to this point today. My palms are sweating as I'm thinking; I'm feeling a little damp all over. These things have been heavy on my mind for a little while now and I can't really tell anyone cause I know the outcome wouldn't be nice. I am wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing. I know it's not the right thing, probably- but on a wrongness scale, where am I ranking? I've been sort of keeping it to myself. Not just this, but a few things, for a year- just over a year I think and I don't know what I'm thinking writing this down. I just figure this might be a good place to let it out- without telling anyone and getting anyone, or myself into trouble.

I've been sinning, and it's not the typical kind, I guess. The stuff people do everyday- not normal people anyway. And I've been close to saying something to my brother, but don't even think he would forgive me. I can't tell my family, or my friends, or my girlfriend and I certainly am not gonna tell the Monsignor- who I have been close with a number of years.

I'll just say what is it now, I've been stressing over writing down the words but here it is anyway. I've been having sex. There I said it. And I don't think it's such a big deal, in so much as my sin could be a lot worse, but where it becomes a massive problem is in the fact that I only live in a small place. There is just one church and one chapel and two schools and one gas station- there used to be two. Most of the people here are farmers or work in the town. There's only one main road, and a couple of back streets that are mainly industrial buildings. Everyone goes to church- everyone. Except there are a few old people that don't go anymore, but that's because they can't. But even those folks get visits off the church a couple few times a week.

And even saying that- having sex isn't so uncommon, it's just that my family is really into chapel and I know them finding out would be disasterous. My brother is 19, almost 20 and as far as I can tell, he's still a virgin. He would tell me if he wasn't. I mean, the frist time he felt a girl up, he was dancing around like an idiot for like weeks and wouldn't stop going on about it.

This girl I'm seeing was in my brother's year in school and she belongs to our chapel. He used to tutor her in Algebra and that's how I got to talking to her. But all that is irrelevant. I see her every Thurday night, cause that's when she's free. I mean, I see her unless it's her time of the month, or something, and sometimes I even see her then, if we missed communication. Then we just sit and talk or listen to the radio until she has to get back.

When I say she belongs to our chapel, I mean she belongs to it. She's married to it. She took her vows last year. Yeah, I said vows.
Vows.

And I'm sick sitting here looking at what I'm writing and I know I'm wrong. I'm wrong. And I'm sinning against God and her and myself and the congregation and our families and how can I be acknowleding it- by writing it down. I shouldn't be writing this down. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know whoever, if anyone is reading this- they will be screaming at the screen- "Just end it! Don't see her! Stop doing it!" and I know this, because I tell myself these things every Thursday evening as I'm getting myself all sorted out and dressed, and going down to the car. And I'm able to put the key in the ignition and drive myself into town to meet her again. Her family sends us Christmas cards every year. And our Dad's play golf together sometimes. I know I'm doing wrong. I am wrong. I know I'm big and stupid and slow sometimes, but I can't even use that one as an excuse. I know better.

The first time we got together was last year. Not this past Christmas, but the year before- she was just studying then, not a full fledged member. She was out shopping with the other sisters and she was waiting by herself with a bunch of bags. It was freezing out and the snow was getting heavy, so I offered her a ride up the road. She said no at first, but one of the sisters told her to go on and she did. I helped her load up their stuff in the trunk and started back out to the residence near the chapel. The back road was snowed out, so taking a detour along the highway was the only way to get her there, but would take 15 or 20 minutes longer. I stopped along the way and we got something to eat, and talked a while about school. By the time we did get back outside from the diner, it was black outside.

We sat in the car for a while, letting the engine warm again, and talking and she was thanking me for dinner and getting her home in the atrocious weather, and we had a weird friendly kiss on the cheek. And that turned into these other strange little kisses. It was me pursuing her all the way and I guess in my mind- I thought nothing would ever happen cause she was so ... I dont know, what's the word? Righteous? Pure? None of those fit. I felt safe trying it with her cause I knew she was a 'chick of God'. Nothing wrong could happen- not with her, surely, no matter how far things went. And it went- and went far and just kept going. I was kissing her deeper and deeper, pressing her back on the seat and the whole while thinking that once it started getting too much, she would stop me. It was her job to police me. But I remember scrunching over her in the front seat of my Dad's car, fumbling with our clothes, trying desperately, to make a way through them as instinct started taking over and in a few moments, we were having sex.

And I'm writing this - not for the sake of preaching- or being preached to, cause it's like the only place I can be honest- totally about what's happening, I'll go further to say that no, it wasn't safe and I struggle at being safe with her even now cause condoms aren't the easiest thing to come by in town since everyone knows who's buying what and no I don't want anyone knowing. I can hear it in my head already; people saying- "well, if you're grown up enough to have sex in the first place, you should be grown up enough to by condoms no matter who knows about it." And I don't disagree. I just wish it was as easy and as black and white as that. For all of you thinking it, I'm here to tell you- it's not that easy. If it was, I'd be buying them.

I've even bought some off the internet a few times. I hide them between my box spring and the support rail of my bed, when I have them (maybe that's telling). Now that I'm working part time, I can sort of get them more often, as I need them, but I have forgotten to take one with me on occassion. It didn't stop us from doing it. It's just something that happens. Since I'm being truthful.

I feel better for writing what I've written. Not that any forgiveness is coming my way for it. I have yet to confess any of this, and holding it in has really been heavy on my mind. My palms aren't so sweaty. I don't feel so sick. I'm going to see my girlfriend tonight. She's another story.

Please note, I have omitted part of this post because of the implications that are involved.