Erin's Tickly spot.

Erin kissed me in the hall today. It wasn’t one of those quick hen pecks on the cheek. She put her arms around me and drew herself up to me. I was a little surprised- she never did that before. And just as we got into it a bit, the bell was ringing and she was pulling away to get to class. I hated letting go of her. We sat together at lunch today. We sat away from everyone on a patch of grass along the parkway. It was cool out, but bearable.

I just sort of sat back on my elbow and had a half of Erin’s sandwich and a bag of Doritos. People were watching us. I could feel it. Our every move was being analyzed, picked apart. But I didn’t pay any attention to them after a while. I was into her. I would run my finger along her leg and she would smile when I hit a tickly spot. I liked that she was ticklish. I’m really not very much… so I like to sneak up behind her and kind of press my fingers into her ribs on either side. I like her laugh, but she doesn’t turn around anymore surprised that it’s me- she just lets me stand behind her and kiss her neck a little. I can carry her books for her to three classes, the rest are too far away.

Free Clinic Advice

My Dad took me into the city yesterday for an exam. They took my blood and had me pee in a cup and … I squirm just thinking about it, but they put a little medical rod type thing up my you know what. It hurt like HELL. They asked me all these questions about my sexual history. All these personal questions, even if I’d been with a guy before! Which I NEVER, NO WAY have even thought about it. They sent me away from a bag of condoms. I was kind of embarrassed seeing my dad sitting there waiting for me to come out. He looked really worried when he saw me come out. ‘Is that medicine?’ he asked me. He thought I’d caught something I bet, but I opened it and showed him all the condoms shoved down in the bag and he tapped me on the shoulder and we left.

Stupid Jokes, concerts and things that are sooo good.,

I took Erin home from school yesterday. I saw her waiting on the bus as I was walking along to the car, and thought it was ridiculous that she would be on the bus for like 45minutes, when I could get her home in eight. And she’s not out of the way or anything. We talked about what happened at school. Between me and Elle. She said people are saying we got into an argument and I threw the CD’s at her. Well, not ‘threw’, but flung them at her. I told her that’s not how it happened. I wasn’t even angry really, you know. She’s making things up now. We talked a little about Barry. He’s a good guy. A good football player and he and I were good friends until this thing happened with me and Elle. Now, he hardly has two words to say to me.

I walked Erin up to the house and no one was home when we got there. I asked her if I could come in, which probably wasn’t really the wisest idea I’ve ever had. We sat and watched some TV for a few minutes. I took her hand and traced along her fingers and insider her palm. She’s ticklish there, by the way. It was funny. I would look over at her, and she wouldn’t look back. But I could tell she knew I was watching her. Then after a bit, I asked her if I could kiss her. She was still a little nervous. She started breathing deeply and her skin went flush really quick. I kissed her bottom lip. Really slowly- I thought any sudden moves would send her into a tailspin. Especially when I asked her if we could go to her room. She wanted to know why, and got a little defensive, but I told her just to see her room, you know. She took some coaxing, but we finally went to her room. I asked her to please not be shy with me. If she wanted me, she could say so- because I wanted her and I didn’t want it to be a one time thing with us. We were alone, and no one was around. She didn’t have to be shy. I wouldn’t let anything bad happen, so she didn’t have to feel nervous either.She seemed surprised a little that I said it. But when I went to kiss her, she kissed me back. We sat on the end of her bed, just making out for a while. Then she allowed me to undress her- well, for the most part, she did.

She was really scared to let me see her, or for me to even touch her. But she’s beautiful. Her body is gorgeous. She has freckles on her shoulders. Her hair is long and dark and covers her shoulders, but when I pulled her hair back a little to kiss her neck, I saw them. She has a strawberry birthmark on her hip. It looks like a flower to me. I leaned back for a while, resting on my elbow, just looking at her sitting on the bed beside me with her long hair covering her up, and just about nothing else. She was playing with my bracelet and I was twisting my fingers in her hair. We talked about what it meant for us to be going out. I asked her if I could be her boyfriend and she asked why. I said cause I like her and thought she was beautiful. Then I started kissing her, and began touching her in her private place. She was really quiet at first, but then I could tell she liked it, so I eased her back and kissed her there too. She was so nervous that I could feel her shaking. But I held her hand and tried to make her comfortable. Then I finished undressing and she said she was cold, so we got under her covers and I made love to her.

I got dressed in silence, we both did. She was worried that her Dad would be home soon and her sister would be getting home too. I was just thinking about what my Dad had told me. I did take it to heart, you know- the part about catching a disease, or making a girl pregnant. And we still haven’t found the time to get tested, and I haven’t talked about it with Erin, so I did wear a condom. I guess if it keeps happening, we should talk about it. I mean, the making love part. I say ‘make love’ pretty nonchalantly, but I know there’s a difference. I mean, in my mind, there is a difference. Where I know I’v never been in love with anyone, I know that there’s been only one girl that I cared about when it came to sex. I wont name any names. She’s knows. We’d only did it a few times, but I was totally into her. She knew I wasn’t just there for sex. And the same is true with Erin. I won’t pull that ‘I don’t care’ crap with her- that I normally do with girls. I want it nice and gentle and be able to take all the time she wants, kiss her, hold her, give her whatever she wants- however she wants. Not like most other girls, where I didn’t really even care how it went. I just would put it where it goes and do what I wanted until I’d had enough. Then it was over and I was trying to get away as fast as possible.

Erin made me feel like I didn’t have to be that guy. Tough and rough and having the hot girlfriend all the time. I felt like I could tell Erin my stupid jokes, talk to her about football, go to a rock concert with her, take her out to this horrible little joint way out almost out of town where I love to eat, but I normally wouldn’t take any girl there, cause it’s so greasy and sort of not a place to take a date. Erin was cool like that. AND- not to forget, she lets me do those other private things with her that are soooo good.

Pushing and Shoving a New wave of guilt

I had a sort of rough day at school today. Well, nothing to do with school really. I sat with Erin again for a little while, but she left after she had something to eat and went and sat with her friends on the Landing- another section of the school, inside with tables and chairs. After school Elle caught me going to my car. She was talking some lot of nonsense at me for a bit until I just turned to her and asked her what she wanted. Then she starts rambling off a list of things at my house that were hers. Like CD’s and books and she even mentioned a stupid pen she wanted back. I didn’t even flinch. I just said ‘fine.’ And then she started talking about Erin. She called her some names- really nasty, hateful ones and asked why I was seeing her. If I was just seeing her because I could have sex with her, or what?

Then I stopped and just looked at her.
I had to remember that I wanted to get back with this girl, and if I open my mouth, it will probably make things worse. But she just kept nipping and snapping. She was like a palmaranian at the ankles- growling and biting.

Then I told her not to call Erin those names again, cause she’s not like that- and that I sure wasn’t seeing her (elle) because of sex, so why should I be seeing Erin because of sex? She kind of got upset. Then she said- 'You didn’t have to have sex with her. If you did, then you didn’t have to let everyone know about it.' Then she started to piss me off. I opened up the car and reached in and got two CD’s of hers that I knew was still in the car. And I told her- 'Well, you didn’t have to break up with me, and if you did, you didn’t have to let everyone know about it.'

She was nashing her teeth at me. And said- 'I just wanted a little space.' and without hesitation I said to her- 'well, I'm giving you some.'
About then Barry is coming over and I can see him coming in the corner of my eye. I put the CDs out there for her to take, but she just slaps my hand up and the CD’s crash on the hood of the car, making me really mad. So, I’m like- What did you do that for? And it was kind of loud. And Barry shoves me into the car and goes- what the hell is your problem! And I’d had just about enough of him, so I turn to him and shove him back and say to him –back off, Barry! Then Joey is there with his hands up, getting between us, telling me to calm down, relax- like I did something wrong. And Barry is on the other side of him, pointing his finger at me and ranting about why do I have to be such a little “%&*!” I could tell things were going to get worse, so I just got in the car and closed the door and let them carry on, and slowly move away from me.

Then Joey comes around and gets into the car and closes the door and he’s just sitting there, and we’re not saying anything. Then he looks over and says- what would make you throw these at Elle? And he hands me back the CDs. I couldn’t even take them. I just shook my head. I couldn’t even try to explain, I just kept seeing Barry in my mind. Barry who was my friend last week. And the same Barry that was urging me to go off with Erin that night at the lake. I couldn’t understand it, why he was turning against me. I felt this incredible weight on my shoulders.

The bell rings twice...

When I came in from work today H and my Dad were arguing again. It wasn’t like the normal disagreements that they have from time to time- it was another blow up, like the one a week or so ago. The only part of it I heard was H from another room calling back at my Dad in the living room, saying-It doesn’t matter, it’s not your decision to make, Dad! My Dad isn’t an argument type of person, except with H. I think I can only remember my parents having one really bad argument and my Dad has only been angry with me a couple times, but him and H seem to butt heads religiously and things just seem to be getting worse and worse. He can’t really ‘ground’ H anymore. H is considered a ‘grown up’ in our house. He can’t tell H where or when to go, or how to do anything- but he is full of opinions on everything he does. I’m glad it’s not me. I think he really gives him a hard time a lot. Sometimes I want to just tell him, but I don’t want to start a civil war in the house. My mom is stressed enough about just the normal goings on in the house. So, I just keep out of it. There’s no need in making more tensions.

Do I make you nervous?

I left work and went to Erin’s tonight. We talked a little bit about Elle and what was up with her. I told her that Elle was complicated. But I’m not trying to get back together with her.

I told her I thought she was cute and I wanted to go out with her. She got nervous again. It was funny watching her try to pour us drinks out of a two liter. Sloshing it everywhere. Barely able to hand me the glass. I laughed out loud a little before I could stop myself. Then I just got serious for a minute and asked her why she was so nervous. I wanted her to tell me it was because she liked me, or something, but she said she didn’t know. I walked up on her in the kitchen and asked her "Do I make you nervous?". She wouldn’t even look at me then. So, I sort of had to move around, to get in her way, and bend kind of low to get even with her to kiss her. I put my arms around her waist and sort of had her backed between the kitchen island and-me. It was a nice, slow, relaxed kiss. Her eyes were still closed when I moved back from her lips. It was nice to see her like that. It’s been a long time since I felt that way with a girl. Like knowing that she likes me but she’s too shy to say so. But I liked Erin back and I wasn’t waiting for her to muster up any courage. Where it comes to girls, I’m not the shy type, I guess you figured that one already.

It all happens on the Parkway

Erin came and sat across from me on the Parkway. The 'Parkway' is sort of where the jocks sit at lunch period, the cheerleaders and some seniors that stay for lunch. It's a narrow strip of grass with metal tables/benches and a long sidewalk that runs along the side of the school where all the choice parking is for students.

It was sort of shocking cause no one was expecting it, and the guys sort of looked at me weird. But everyone was nice to her. Elle was at the far end of the table with her friends. When Erin sat down, Elle slammed her can of Coke down and took her stuff and left. I told Erin not to worry about it.

Barry caught me after school today. He was really in some half cocked mood- almost like he was ready to start a fight. I hope it’s not with me- Barry’s a monster. He was asking what I was thinking bringing ‘that girl’ around. He said Elle was crying her eyes out about it and I was being a ‘jerk’ to put it lightly. I had to remind him that she’s the one that broke up with me.
I like Erin, she’s cool. He said fine, whatever, but I didn’t have to rub it in her face. I wasn’t trying to, but I’m not about to tip toe around her. If she was that pissed off about it- she should have thought of that before she needed some “space”.

Joe Knows Shoe Shopping

Joe and me went to the city today to look for him some new shoes. He doesn’t shop in the town. I guess a lot of kids don’t. There’s only a couple of good shops there on the main street, but no one likes them. I don’t do a lot of shopping. But since the car is fixed now, I told him I’d drive him into the city to spend his birthday money and he spent nearly $150 on shoes and a couple Tshirts from Gap. He picked up lunch though and put gas in the car, but I wasn’t really bothered. Me and Joey get along real well. His parents are from the same place mine are, so I’ve known him since about birth I guess. I’d have to say he’s my best friend out of everyone. He’s at least someone I think I can count on. He’s bailed me out of a couple tight spots and he can keep a secret.
Joe and Morgan have been together since 8th grade and everyone says they will be sweethearts forever. He really loves her and their relationship is so easy and simple, I could see them together in years from now. But me- I guess I sort of bounce here and there and can’t stick my mind on one good thing, before something else is coming along. It’s not that I don’t want that in my life, I would love to have just one girl and it lasts- I mean, besides me screwing up with Elle, I could have had that with her- you know what I mean. And I totally haven’t given up on it. Elle is angry- VERY angry at me right now… and I just hope she will forgive me some time soon and we can be friends. And maybe- just maybe, we can get together again. I still want to be with her. Not anyone else. And I know what you’re probably thinking- I moved on fast to Erin. I know, I know. I can’t say what’s happening with me and Erin. I just know that I like how she makes me feel and I like how she looks at me. She doesn’t have to be the ‘star’ all the time. She doesn’t have to perform to other people. She’s just herself and I can be myself. I want to see her again. I wonder if she wants to see me too?

Me Erin and Linkin Park

I went to Erin’s today. She had her hair cut and blonde put through it. She also had on some make up- not a lot just like on her eyes and lipstick and she looked great. She was so nervous with me there, I thought it was sweet.

She likes Linkin Park and to me, that’s good stuff. We sat in the living room cosied up listening to them for a while. I put my arm around her and pulled her near to me. I kept my hands to myself and nuzzled her a bit with my nose, and kissed her neck some. She smelled so good, I was right into her too. I took her hand, but it was so clammy and she pulled away from me. She started bumbling, and trying to find something to do that didn’t involve sitting next to me. I sort of felt bad- that I shouldn’t have been there. And like my dad said, maybe she wasn’t really ready for what we did.

Waiting for my P90X

I am waiting for my P90x box to show up. I hope it’s here by Monday. I got on the scales yesterday and I’ve packed on like 10 lbs in the last month. I admit, I do eat a lot of crap, but I should be burning it off! I did notice my jeans were a little tight in the waist, but just thought it was my imagination. I even had my mom measure me to make sure I haven’t grown another inch or two- but I haven’t! And don’t get me wrong, I’m not fat by any stretch of the imagination. I do have a larger frame, it’s like my Dad’s and H’s and they are both tall and muscular, so maybe that’s what’s happening to me too?

Before H started on the farm, I could see he was packing pounds on, but to his gut mostly. Sitting around all day eating chips and Hot Pockets, drinking Coke by the 2liter and as many Little Debbies as he could find- I mean, what do you expect? So, far, since I’m not playing football, I think I’ve started eating a lot of extra crap too and not moving much in the evenings like I did when the season was on. I have a good physique in general, but I am starting to feel really slow and heavy. I definitely don’t have that six pack anymore and biceps are well developed, but theyre’ not cut like they used to be last year.

Come on mailman! Bring my box man!!!

Surprise. H was right about a lot of things.

I showed up at Erin’s last night, unannounced. She was really surprised to see me at her door after school. Her sister let me in and we sat in the kitchen for a few minutes alone. I asked her if we were okay about Friday night. That she wasn’t upset about it happening and that I was sorry if I was a bit of a jerk, it was the alcohol. She was really nice to me. Really nervous around me. I told her she could sit with me and my friends on the Parkway at lunch sometime, if she wanted, when she got back to school. She seemed surprised that I asked her. Not that she would want to sit with a bunch of jocks and their stuck up girlfriends, but I thought it would be nice to invite her instead of shun her, since the whole school knew what was happening with us anyway. I mean I know guys that sleep with girls, then run around telling everyone that will listen and totally doing a flip on the girl. Being rude, ignoring them or flat out being nasty. And I'm not that kind of guy at all. Even if no one knew it, I wasn't going to turn the cold shoulder to her. She didn't deserve that.

GEEZE… my Dad just left my room. My hands are trembling, my nerves are shot, my heartrate is irratic and I need a shower from sweating profusely.

He came in and asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes. He asked me how things were going and if I was okay. He said I wasn’t a little boy anymore and he knows I’m busy, and doesn’t get to talk to me like he used to.
He said he wanted to talk to me about sex.

I about fell off my chair when he said that. He wasn’t nerve racked, or beating around the bush either. He just looked me in the eye and came out and said it. He asked if I was having sex with Elle. I told him no.

He asked if I was sexually active at all, and I couldn’t even lie to him. I was afraid he already knew like H said. He asked if I was being safe and I said yes at first, then he asked again-
Am I being safe every single time without question and just looked at me.

He said I was mature for my age, but that I was still only young. He said sex was a big responsibility. Then he tried to come up with a few examples of what sex was like, but settled on telling me it was like bungee jumping. It’s fun and thrilling, and for the most part things go smoothly, but when things do go wrong-and they do- it’s catastrophic, it can change, ruin or take your life.

He mentioned all the diseases I could get, cause a girl to get pregnant and destroy my self respect, and a girl’s self esteem if she isn’t ready either. I let him talk without blurting out that I already knew it from Sex-ed. I mean I go to public school and although we’re Catholic, they do teach it to everyone. Disease, pregnancy, safe sex, emotional stress, all of it. But he was on a roll, so I didn’t want to upset it.

He asked me if I’d been tested. I haven’t. The idea of it, was scarier in my mind than admitting I was having sex at all. He said he "could not stress enough" how important it is to be emotionally ready for a sexual relationship- just because it was meant for marriage, and it’s such a big responsibility and that I was responsible for "the girl’s welfare too- it’s not all about me".

That I may finish sex with a girl and for me, it’s finished when we are done, but in her mind, it’s not over and she may have a lot of "deep emotional attachment to me", simply because of the bond I make with her when it happens. I wondered if that’s why Sara still wants to see me??? It’s not like we had any kind of relationship. Then I started to think about Erin.

Then he said that it wasn’t what he and mom had taught us. It’s a sin. He could only ask that I abstain, I still can even though I have already been doing it. But if I don’t, to promise him one thing...

That I use a condom each and every time without fail.

I promised I would...

But he made me say it word for word back to him. He asked if I would let him take me into the city to get tested. (I couldn’t say no really, I don’t think he was giving me the option. It was a courtesy request.)

He then told me he loves me and that his door is always open, I can always get him on the phone, I can always talk to him. At the first sign of anything wrong, to please talk to him and he’ll do his best and whatever it is, I don’t have to face anything alone.

I hope I’m like my dad when I get older.
To say the right things about a touchy subject and not go overboard…
If you ever read this, Dad...
A+

Left, Right and Center. I'm so sorry.

I called Erin last night. Told her I was sorry and wanted to see her. But she’s grounded. She said she was lucky to get to talk on the phone. She was sweet to me. Not blaming me for getting into it with Elle. I talked to her for a while before she had to go. I tried to call Elle too, just to tell her I was sorry again, but she only hung up on me.

The bell rings twice.

This has to have been like the worse day of my life.

I can’t imagine things being worse than they were today. I mean, how much has to go wrong for one person in like the space of a week. Not to mention getting up late today, only to discover there’s something wrong with the car and having to bum a ride to school from H, who was already in a bad mood and rushing himself. But then getting through the day, sort of laying low after word had gotten around about me and Elle breaking up. Everyone asking me what was wrong, what happened and all this. And then the guys picking on me for me disappearing all night with Erin. Then facing Erin and trying not to make a big scene, knowing word spreading like wild fire about us over the weekend.

On lunch hour, I had to chase Elle out of school today cause she wouldn’t look at me or talk to me or even acknowledge me at all. One of her friends was giving her a ride and she finally had to stop because Keri hadn’t gotten to the car yet to let her in. And I just asked her to talk to me over and over and she just looked at me and said "she wasn’t talking to me". That I’m a dog. And that I make her sick.

Finally Keri shows up to let her in and then she just unleashed a tirade on me- calling me every name under the sun- words I never heard her use before ever. Like how could I "fxxx Erin", she was her friend. Every time she said something, I could only say I was sorry before she let out another outburst of swearing and finger pointing. With half the school outside watching, I thought I was going to burst into flames or something, with all the eyes burning holes through me. She threw her English book at me. She was raging mad. And there was nothing I could do, but step back and let her go her own way.

The whole afternoon I felt like people were staring at me. Whispering behind my back. And a few of Elle’s friends even called me names in the hall. It was horrible. Then to top it all off… the last hour of the day as I’m going to class, there’s all this commotion in the hall and Joey grabs me and shoves me down the hall- sort of playful, like he does and all I can see is my A+P teacher grabbing Elle by the shoulders from behind and a Chemistry teacher holding Erin on the other side of the hall. And Elle is scrappy and swearing and Erin’s crying and papers and stuff were all over the floor and everybody is looking and the teachers are shooing people away and they hauled them off and all I could say was "what happened? What happened?" Then as Elle was going by me, she smacks me in the face and she’s looking at me like she could murder me where I stood. And Erin has this big red mark on her face and her hair is scrambled. And I was following them a little ways down the hall asking what happened, the teachers just told me to get to class.

So, I was sitting there in class, nervous and my mouth just dry and I felt sick and shaky. Then about ten minutes into class a proctor comes with a note for me to go to see the principal.
Erin is so quiet and shy and Elle is so- classy and as it was told to me, Elle said something to Erin, and Erin said something back, and they were walking away from each other when Elle grabbed Erin by the hair and started flinging her back and forth and they just started fighting. The principle called me to his office to say what happened, but I never saw anything so I just sat there while he explained it to me and wanted to know what I knew about it.

They’re both suspended and Elle has been taken off the roster for Prom queen.
I screwed up big time. I’m really ashamed of what I’ve done.

Washed in the Blood of Christ

It’s Easter.

Horray.

It used to be a really big deal at my house. It used to be one of those days that I couldn’t wait for, being like a mid year Christmas. With the new clothes and candy and big dinner and family and friends and phone calls and all that. In the last few years since we’re not kids anymore it’s become more and more about going to church and having a quiet family dinner. I wonder what it would be like to be there again. I mean back maybe five or six years. When things were so much simpler. When I was just going to Chapel and not understanding it or my responsibilities. Just doing it because that’s what I’m taught to do. Now it’s like all this stuff is in my face right now, and I’m supposed to be relying on my religion to pull me through it, but I’m at a loss- I’m drawing a blank, I’m losing touch with things.

Christ died for me and I want to drink and be out late and have sex, goof around and play football and just ignore this Chapel auto pilot I have on three times a week.
I wonder what am I here for. What am I doing, where am I going.

Apparently, ours is not to question- ours is to believe and our faithful souls, washed in the blood of Christ will not perish. But the multitude of sins that we have carried burden on our hearts, darkened by a heavy world, will be extinguished by the forgiving light of Our Father.

I have no recourse but to believe. It’s all I know. It’s all over me and all around me. I wear a crucifix because of it. I'm terrified to do anything else. It’s like me kneeling at the alter and in silence, crying my eyes out cause I’m so moved and I don’t know where it’s coming from, and where ever it’s coming from, I can’t block it and once I started, I couldn’t stop it. H resting his hand on my shoulder sort of woke me up and brought me back.

And I finally realize, I’m not that choirboy anymore.

Musical Tents

I was pretty upset the other night. Like stupid-upset and I really let it get to me like an idiot. I was one of the last people to show up at the lake and started to throw back beers like the moment I got there. Joe and Barry were telling me to take it easy, and I guess that’s a good thing cause it meant I didn’t get totally wasted.

We sat around and talked a lot about the past season and we threw the ball around in our headlights. Then we had some food cooked on the fire and were talking about coming out again next weekend. All of a sudden, Elle becomes the topic of conversation and I’m thinking to myself- please, please no one ask me- don’t’ talk to me, don’t look at me. It was the girls that brought her up first, and suddenly the guys jumped right in asking about prom. We were all taking a limo together- 8 of us anyway, but I have no clue what’s going to happen now. Then one of the guys asked ‘Where’s Elle?” and one of the girls whispered “They broke up.” And I had to pretend not to hear it. Barry handed me a beer. Then he nudged me and pointed to this girl. Then he told me, she wants me to talk to her. Go talk to her. I knew the girl. She’s a cheerleader and I know she’s been at Elle’s house a couple times when I was there. I didn’t want to talk to her. So, I avoided her for a couple hours. Then midnight came around and some of the people had to go home and it only left a handful of us there on the lake. We’d put up four tents for all of us, two guys in one, and two girls in one, Joey and Mandy in one and I crammed in with Barry and Jonas and Erin, the girl I was avoiding was going in herself. And if you know anything about guys when they get together, all they were doing in there was telling me to go in there with Erin.

It eventually turned into a wrestling match and the two of them pushed me out of the tent. So, I went and talked to Erin. We had a couple of drinks in the tent by flashlight and I made small talk. I'm not good at small talk. I was already really annoyed, and not really polite. And I have noticed that when I have a couple of drinks, I get really snappy and irritated and cocky and rude. Then, knowing myself- I can safely say the alcohol was talking when I made a pass at her.

It was just playful on my part, I wasn’t really thinking anything would happen, that would just be too cliché, I thought. Then I just started making these remarks. I can’t remember what you call them, but there’s a word for it. Like everything she would say, I would make it dirty, or turn it into a joke, or something rude. Now thinking about it- I was a real jerk to her. I don’t really remember that much but I remember saying to her – well we can have sex right now if you want. And she said she was a virgin, and I said – well you don’t have to be. I think I was trying my hand at how fast I could get a girl to slap me, but she just went along with my behavior and never batted an eye. I said to her too- You want me to kiss you? And she was shrugging her shoulders and not saying a lot. I asked her if she was shy and she said yeah. I told her- well, I’m not. And I kissed her. She was really shy and quiet and she never once told me not to, so, I just went further and further until I had undressed us both and I started to get a conscious and asked her if she really wanted this to happen, cause I was just fooling around and she didn't have to do anything but she said it was okay.

Yeah, so we did it. It was safe- before you think it and I was nice to her. I mean it wasn’t like what happens when I’m with Sara. I wasn’t just running myself into her trying to get to the end. I kissed her and touched her a little bit, just to help her get ready and for anyone like me that doesn’t know a lot about it- it is true that girls bleed a little the first time. I thought it was some urban legend or something, but it’s true.

But anyway, I was as soft and slow to her as I could be. She told me ‘stop’ and ‘wait’ a lot at first and I did just what she asked. Then when it got easier for her and she stopped pausing me, I did ask her if she was still okay with it. And it was nice being with her and sleeping next to her. Then, just before it was getting light outside she asked if we could do it again.

My head’s been light all morning. I’m glad I’m not really hung over and I’m glad I met Erin- really glad about that. Barry and Jonas couldn’t wait to poke at me this morning. But they were at least civilized since Erin was still there. I took her home and she lives two blocks over from me. I guess I never noticed that before. But I got her number. What can happen next?

Mer De Noms

My throat is sore. My head is a little fuzzy.
But I jumped at the chance to see Elle, even in the driven rain. I went to her house and waited for her in the car. She ran out and jumped in and I was about to start the car when she told me to wait, she wanted to talk to me. She said she wanted to see me and she turned around to me in the car and she took my hands and told me she thinks it's best if we had some space.
She said she thought we should take a break for a while. Take a breath. Something like that. It’s all a bit of a blur now, I’m not entirely sure of what she did say exactly- except for the taking a break part. And the needing some space. She basically dumped me right there in her driveway.

Then after she asked me like 6 times if it was okay, and we were alright, I watched her go back into the house while I sat there. Then I remember resting my forehead on the steering wheel and feeling just sick inside. Like just above my stomach was burning, like the way you feel when guilt takes a hold of you, except it was just sad, hurt kind of pain. I felt awful.

Back home and laying in my bed listening to The Fray and looking around my room at Jessica Alba and Halle Berry and Shakira and all these extremely sexy, beautiful women and right now I just want Elle. My elle.

I lost my virginity at 14. It was such a fleeting thing that I’m not even sure it counts. I mean, it was over before it really started and didn’t happen again for like months. It was at a guy’s party. My brother’s old friends, and there was drinking and drugs and lots of girls in little clothes, and sort of the people we don’t normally hang out with. I was mesmerized and I think H was too. A really drunk girl sort of pulled me into a room and we sort of did it in the bed that people had thrown their coats on. She just grabbed me in and shut the door and pulled me back until we fell into the bed and she basically did everything to make it happen- we didn’t even really speak to each other or touch each other and it happened so fast that I wasn’t sure it had happened, except the evidence was on her clothes. Then it was over and we never saw each other again. I never told anybody about that night.

But for like three or four months straight, sex was all I could think about. I just wanted to do it again as soon as possible, so where I was once occupied totally by choir practice, football, baseball, hockey, collecting and trading sports cards and making model cars and watching basketball on TV, all of a sudden, it was just football and sex on my mind. I somehow couldn’t find time for anything else and immediately tried to find a girl that I knew would – you know, let me. And a few months later, BAM, I started dating this girl Alicia, she was a year older than me, and after we went out like twice, we were having sex. But after a couple months I found out she wasn’t just letting me- I was one of like several guys she was – seeing.

Then I turned 15, and had a couple girlfriends in my grade and there was sex with both of them. Not together. Then about the middle of the year I started seeing Sara. That’s really not that many girls. I know some guys my age that say they are in double figures. Don’t know how true it is, but I believe it. I’m sad about Elle. I’m confused a little bit. I’m convinced I love her because if I didn’t it would have been easy for me to go to bed with her. But it wasn’t. And I've broke up with girls before, it never felt like this, like I was broken.

I wanted to keep her as she was, instead of taint her, or whatever and that got me no where with her in the long run. Maybe I should have just did what she wanted and I wanted. What would have been so bad if we had done it? She would have been happy and I would have too. We'd probably still be together right now. But instead, I’m sitting here on spring break wondering what guy she’s out with, and if she’s sleeping with him or not. Like Barry, who she made passes at. I wonder if she would sleep with him. Or Derek, or Ben or Matt or the Matt that plays LaCrosse, girls seem to really like him and he brags about every one. I swear if he says anything about her, I’ll beat the crap out of him. I wonder what she’s doing now.

I’m hoping the party is still on for this weekend at the lake. I have to do something to take my mind off Elle and what she’s doing, or not doing, or seeing or not seeing and why she’s not seeing me. Put as much alcohol in my system as possible and just deal with the hangover Saturday. That’s my new brilliant plan- none of the rest seem to work. This one should.

Promiscuous? The bottle!

My mom called the farm where H works and he had come in this morning. She was happy, and I guess she was looking at all the bad things that could have happen. Once she got a hold of the farm she went to bed. I didn't bother her. She had a lot on her mind.

My dad didn’t have much to say today. When H came home this evening, my mom was all over him- I don’t mean she was yelling and screaming down his throat, I mean she was just attentive and worrisome. Pestering even. She made his favorite dinner, roast and potatoes and baked bread, and she never does that unless it’s a First Sunday or a holiday. My Dad didn’t have anything to say at dinner either. I think my Mom told him to shut his mouth and leave the boy alone. It was a bittersweet silence though. It was like everyone was glad he was there, but really uncomfortable cause no one wanted to spoil it by saying the wrong thing.

Me and H had a real good talk just a little while ago in his room. He was lying on his bed looking at a magazine and I got a little lonely and went to talk to him like we used to talk before we both got so busy. I asked him about the girl he brought by. Questions that had been burning since she first came over. He met her in a chat room and found out she didn’t live that far away and was the same age as him. They talked for a while before she sent him her picture and he found out she wasn’t white. But he showed me her picture on the internet and she wasn’t something to just pass by, so they kept talking and getting to know each other and decided to meet up and they hit it off. I asked him were they together-together, or what, and he just kind of shrugged, not saying much really. So, I asked him what she was like- like kissing and fooling around and he said she was a great kisser. I asked him- 'well, what else?' And he just kind of looked at me. Then he says – 'well, we’re gonna wait. What do you mean?'

It kind of took me by surprise that he said that. It had been drummed into my head so much lately- wait wait wait, that it didn’t occur to me that it could have been drummed into anyone else's head too. He wasn’t saying much so I asked him outright if he was a virgin and he said he was- and don’t look so surprised. Then he completely got me off guard when he said that he knew I wasn’t a virgin. I had no rebuttle ready at all. I wasn’t expecting that. I just sort of wanted to fade into the background and hide and I asked him how did he know- then he shocked me even further by saying- “Everybody knows you’re not a virgin, Jake.” I kid you not- he said it just like that, word for word. I asked him what he meant by that- the ‘everybody’ part and he smiled at me and kind of laughed as he was telling me. He said – You’re kind of promiscuous, Jake. Guys aren’t the only ones that shoot their mouths off. For a while I didn’t know what the heck he was talking about. I had to come back to my room and look up ‘promiscuous’ before I figured out he what he was calling me. And what he meant.

Hence my post right now, instead of later and probably on some other entirely different topic.

How did he know anyway? Now I’m here on my own and I’m wondering if he knows about me and Sara. And what he thinks of me for it- if he does know. I haven’t been with that many girls. Probably more than I should at my age, but not some alarming number in my mind anyway. It wasn’t like I’m stalking around looking for sex or doing it with whoever comes along like that ‘promiscuous’ word seems to suggest. I looked it up on dictionary.com and the meaning there was:

1. characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, esp. having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.

Then it goes further to add:—

Synonyms 1. unchaste. 2. hodgepodge, confused, mixed, jumbled, careless.

Am I those things? And if I am, what is the opposite? What’s the middle ground? Is there no going back? And if I am those things, is it a bad thing- outside the realm of religious teaching I mean, of course? I can’t change what I’ve done and I can’t change who I am. I’m not setting out every morning to be some predator. And I don’t have lots of partners on a casual basis.

Is that really how H sees me?

A different kind of girl?

H and my Dad got into it last night. I stayed in my room, but I could hear everything. H brought this girl by about 8, and my parents were nice until she left. She’s black. I thought she was gorgeous, but I like black girls- I mean, I like all kinds of girls too- Asian girls, Pakistani girls, Indian girls, I like black ones, white ones, tan ones, mixed ones. Our parents never taught us to dislike anybody, so I like everybody. And H has been seeing this girl a few weeks now and never mentioned to anybody that she wasn’t from around here. He told me he met her off the internet but not to tell the parents that. She was only here for like ten minutes, and my parents were really nice to her face, but as soon as she was gone, my Dad started asking about her and what she does and where she’s from and where they met and why is he dating her. Then he immediately started on him about school. My Dad has been pushing him for six months to enroll on the community college, but H hasn’t bothered yet. H is working long hours and saving his money. He pays my parents like $200 a month, but I know that my mom's saying she’s taking it, but she’s putting it into an account for him for later. Then my father jumped right on him about his house chores not getting done, even though I do most of his chores myself. Which is mostly the yard work and taking out the trash. Then he starts that talk about ‘my house, my rules’. It got loud for about half an hour and ended with the front door slamming and H leaving in the truck.

He didn’t come back at all last night and my mom and dad sort of bickered at each other all night about him. Havind dinner with them two and no H was like sitting between Hitler and Roosevelt for an hour. English may not havee been useful, but the mood said enough.

He’s never stayed out all night, I mean, out where no one could reach him and even I was worried a little for a while. But he’s a big boy, he can look after himself, but that was kind of extreme for him.
I don’t know if it’s as obvious to them as it was for me, but my Dad was pretty upset about that girl coming over and there probably wouldn’t have been a fight if she wasn’t there. She was really pretty though. She had a great body and a nice voice and if H is doing anything with her, I hope he tells me what she’s like. I could see being with her. Is that a bad thing to say? I mean, I wouldn’t try it, I’m just saying that I would love to be with a different kind of girl than what I’m used to.

Milling around and waiting for the word

I went to confession Friday. It was a numbing experience. I could only speak what my mouth would let me and the sordid details of my sinning, never managed to spill out. I was thinking them loud enough. I just wanted to start rambling- telling everything, but I tried to keep things as cut and dry as possible. I left out the sort of damning details and only told Father Michael I had been lying to my parents and had been having premarital sex. This wasn’t something he hadn’t heard from be before, so I was glad it was him and not the Monsignor. It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it was going to be, and he tried to advise me, and asked me to talk to my parents about my concerns. No big deal. I’ll just run over and tell them, right? Think I’ll pass.

Elle and I had three sort of short conversations over the weekend on the phone. She’s really up set at me and I know Saturday night she went out with a couple girls on her Volleyball team, and they met up with some guys. Well, I only know because one of them is a friend of mine and asked where I was. I’m starting to think, maybe Elle is gonna break it off with me soon. She’s never been so cold to me since we’ve been dating and maybe I’ve messed it up with her.

I had this brilliant plan that I would save for the next few weeks and have H book a room for us in the city. And I would set it up for us, so we would have candles and strawberries and that music she likes and we would make love then. Not back on the farm lot in the back of my car, not sneaking around behind the bleachers, or in the industrial row in town. I wanted it to be as special as I could and maybe with all this waiting and planning, I blew it.

I sort of milled around Sunday, waiting for Elle to call, but she didn’t. My Dad asked me what was up and my Mom made me cookies. They know things aren’t right between us. I guess it’s obvious with me moping around like a sad puppy and jumping up to get the phone everytime it rings. I deserve it if she is gonna dump me.

It’s the start of spring break today. My friend Joey has been at me all last week about going to the lake, but it’s of course pouring rain today. He’s got a keg that’s been waiting in the wings for Spring break and a few of us have contributed 5 or 10 bucks each to harder alcohol and food. I don’t drink a lot, like some of the guys do. Some of them end up drunk before it even gets to ten- then they can make real asses of themselves, or get sick all over the place, or just pass out and need babysat. I’ve drank a few times till I was sick, but I really hate being hung over- it ruins me for days. I’ve baby sat Elle a few times, but I don’t mind that so much as long as it’s late enough that the night isn’t ruined. She can have two beers and need a baby sitter. She’s funny like that. I hope the week isn’t a total wash out. I am gonna get so hammered. I’m a little depressed right now, if you can’t tell. I have a lot of time to write this week though. There’s other stuff happening. I’ll have time to write it out later. Oh, happy St. Patrick's, by the way.

Am I Daydreaming again?

It’s Wednesday again. Prayer seemed to go on and on tonight. I guess a bit because I was in a hurry to leave out of there. I’ve sort of had a bad couple of days this week and I had an argument with Elle earlier today. My friend met me today after school and was asking me if me and Elle had broken up and what had happened. I told him of course not, but then he tells me she was really flirty with him last week, and then today at break she was totally coming on to him. Then when I asked her about it, she kind of blew me off and said what did I care, and that I don’t pay her any mind anyway. Then I tried to get her to come with me to the car and she flipped her hand up at me and walked the other way.All I could think of was- Oh god, she knows- she knows. But knowing Elle, I think she’d probably punch me if she did find out.

I’m not going to see Sara tomorrow. I say that, but to be honest, I’m not sure. I miss her. I thought it was all about sex and lust and the thrill of being somewhere with someone doing something I shouldn’t, but laying here thinking about her I know it’s not only that. Sara is beautiful in an Avril Lavigne meets Brittany Murphy sort of way. She’s totally not someone I would ever find attractive in the real world, but she has this raw energy that just pulls me in. She’s the only girl that’s let me see her stark naked in day light. And she didn’t care or hide or cover up from me. She doesn’t shy away from me kissing her or touching her anywhere I want to. And she never holds her tongue if I get a little clumsy or awkward. She’s called me many a bastard or Jackass when I slip to the wrong place, or cant find a rhythm. I mean, I’m only young, so I know I’m not the most accomplished guy in that department, but I know I’m much better a lover now than I was a year ago- and she doesn’t get frustrated with me much at all anymore. I miss her voice. I miss her skin and the way we feel together. I don’t have any real attachment to her, so I know I’m not in love with her, I love Elle. And Sara isn’t the first girl I’ve been with, so it’s not like that either, I don’t know what it is about her that I can’t let go of. I wish someone would tell me.
Elle loves me. She wants me to make love to her. Im telling her no because its what I think is best for her and I can imagine her going off with some other guy because she thinks Im not interested in her. Some anybody that doesn’t care about her, doesn’t love her, doesn’t care if shes a virgin or not. Uses her and throws her away. The circumstances may not be ideal, but I’m trying to sort that out. I would make sure she was comfortable and felt safe with me. Then I would go slow, be totally careful with her, and she would know that when it was over that I wasn’t going anywhere.

I don’t know what a girl wants from her first time. I’ve never had a reason to think about it, except with Elle, since that’s like all I think about with her. We don’t talk about us having sex. We talk about other people having sex and us not having sex. Maybe I got it all wrong. My head is all over the shop.
The Monsignor asked if I was okay today. He said I looked worried and upset. I’ll be going to confession Friday for the first time in ages. I know he won’t be there so I don’t have to try to luck out. If I told him what was on my mind he’d probably… I don’t know what he’d do. Probably ask me back for a whiskey or have me committed or something. Am I daydreaming again?

I think the answer is Yes.

Saturday Night Special

This weekend has been so awesome.

I guess I should back track though since I haven’t written anything for a couple days...

I met Sara Thursday like usual. She was really sweet and asking me how things were going. I was trying to tell her about Elle, but she doesn’t like to talk about her. She kissed me a little, but found it difficult to hear me when I was telling her maybe we shouldn’t meet anymore for a while.

She sort of thought I was joking at first, but I told her I was sort of falling for Elle. She got a little angry at me and it was uncomfortable for a few minutes. She told me it was okay and she would see me next week. I tried to tell her I wouldn’t but she told me it wasn’t fair to just stop seeing her. And I’m not sure if she was right or not, but I felt she might have some point in there somewhere. Besides. It's something I can deal with later.

Friday night was excellent. I got out of work and got to see elle in this beautiful pink dress. The feeling of opening her car door and her stepping out and walking in the gym on my arm was priceless. She was gorgeous. Everyone staring at her. I know what they were thinking. They were pretty jealous. There I was on a Friday night with the hottest girl in school. (And there's not one Varisty cheerleader that is hotter than elle. And that's a fact.) They couldn’t stop looking around to see us and I couldn’t take my eyes off her either. Thank god it wasn't a dance, cause I don't dance really. I mean, I can shuffle a girl around if it's a slow song, but other than that I don't have any rythm. So, it was more, standing around talking- something I am good at.

After the social, we were invited out the back bend by some of the Senior Varsity. They were with their girls too and I really felt like it was a good break. They said they seen me play last season and I should try out for summer camp this year and I should be able to go into Varsity. Fingers crossed. They said Elle was a knockout. Not that I needed told, I know she’s gorgeous. I felt ten foot tall.

But Friday night was nothing compared to Saturday.It was the first time I got to spend the whole night with Elle. It was awesome. Of course it didn’t go without us breaking like a dozen rules, but it was worth it. To make a long story short, my parents were gone and she was supposed to be at a friends. It didn’t take too much shuffling once I found out my parents wouldn’t be home Saturday night. We sat on the couch most the night and watched movies H rented til like midnight. He did ask if she wanted a lift up the road, but I asked him if it was cool she stayed and he wouldn’t say anything to Mom and Dad. He was cool and went to bed and just sort of said goodnight.

Then it was just me and her and the TV and, I wanted her so bad. We held hands for a long time not even talking. When Beowulf ended I asked her if she wanted a drink, but she only wanted to go to sleep. I asked her if she wanted me to sleep on the couch, but she told me don’t be ridiculous. She wasn’t putting me out of my bed. So we went to my room together. I gave her a tshirt and sweats and left so she could change but when I came back, she was only in the shirt part. I’ve never seen her like that. Like sitting on my bed, dressed for bed and it sort of shocked me. When I got into bed next to her and felt how warm she was, it was just instant chemistry and before we’d even got covered up, we were kissing and making out. I never seen her so aggressive like that. I laid down on top of her and was kissing her mouth and her neck. It was getting more and more heated between us and we took our shirts off each other and I could tell it was happening. It was finally gonna happen and I reached around under the bed where I kept the condoms and realized there were none left. I asked her if she had any or if she was on the pill or anything, but nothing came to our rescue. So, I told her I couldn’t. We just made out really heavily and for the first time she let me touch her and kiss her under the covers. She was sort of guiding me up to make love to her, but I insisted we didn’t. I told her I had this plan. This plan is that we would spend the night together, Prom night. In about 6 weeks from now. And it’s going to be perfect. She was impressed. Heck, I was even impressed. I held her close to me til we fell asleep. It was the best night I ever had with Elle. – so far.

A brilliant plan

I saw Sara tonight. That woman is the devil.
I don’t mean that in truly religious form, but I mean it in old traditional form, as in- "she’ll be the death of me", type talk. She is honestly a mother’s worse fear for her teenage son. She has to be. There has to be nothing worse. A guy absolutely infatuated to his eyeballs with a girl that’s obviously no good for him. She is that. You're typical siren. She has this way of catching my eye, that’s so seductive but everyone else is completely oblivious. How does she do that? I tried to speak to her today, but it was nearly impossible. Like I said, before- I’m going to end it with her.
I’ve come up with this brilliant plan, and breaking it off with Sara now, will give me enough time to get my head together and get focused again on Elle. Besides just coming out and saying it- Elle is wanting me to make the move. She has given me the idea she wants to before, but I never took her too seriously. Now, the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make any sense that I’m pushing this beautiful girl away. And for what?

Elle was really strong in her convictions when we met last summer and I always respected her space and never pushed it. This thing with me and Sara has been gong on since last school year. I never expected it to last forever, especially when I started seeing Elle, but it just never stopped. Elle has been more and more persistent lately. And this is the longest I’ve ever been with a girl, and not been with them. Not because I don’t want to, that’s for sure. I’ve wanted Elle like since the day I met her. We were dating a week or two and I was trying to, when she told me she was a virgin. I wasn’t going to break up with her over it, so I just had to think of her more like a friend who I liked to spend time with and talk on the phone to and make out with and put some distance between us being physically close and us being awesome friends.I don’t know what’s happened that her mind has been changed. It wasn’t me- I haven’t pressured her at all about sex. Maybe it's because she's comfortable with me. She trusts me and that. I have a brilliant plan.

Jake's Dream Theatre

It’s Wednesday again tomorrow and it is my last chance to speak to Sara. The school is having an ice cream social this Friday. So, I’m going to miss work on to take Elle. She really wants to go, and she’s been talking about it all week, and sort of upset that I’m scheduled to work. I’ll call my manager to see what I can do to make up a few hours this week.

H’s arm is really nasty looking. There’s rip down his arm. He said he tried to stand up and didn’t realize he was stuck on a tool he had been using. It ripped his coat open, his shirt and his arm. He has 37 stitches and it looks like black bloody barb wire. My mom helps him with his bandages and he’s off work til Monday My mom is still mad about it though.

I had a really weird dream last night. I usually don’t remember my dreams, but this one must have been right before I woke up or something cause it seemed really vivid and fresh. I was climbing a ladder in a dark tunnel. Nothing was chasing me or anything, it wasn’t scary. But it was like a never ending ladder and as I was getting to the top of it, there was a big metal grate locked over the top. I mean, I never got to the top, I just knew it was locked somehow. It was weird. I should ‘google’ dreams and see if it means anything in particular.

Maybe it has to do with all the day dreaming I’m doing. I wonder if that’s normal. I didn’t used to drift off so much. It’s just started happening lately and not about anything in particular. I of course day dream a lot about girls, but that’s expected. I day dream about football and about cars and about getting out of school. These must be pretty normal and average. I'm guessing.

Looking at the stars.

I had dinner Sunday with Elle's family. Her brother is coming home from Boston in a couple of weeks. They are really close and he was good friends with H a few years ago. It will be good to see him, and hear what he has to say about living on the East coast. It's been my dream to go there and see what it's like. He's a good guy anyway.H cut his arm really good on Friday repairing a fence at work. His arm was sliced right open and down nearly to the bone. He has big arms and the sight of it made my mom go a little weak. Then she just got angry at why they sent him home instead of taking him to the hospital to get looked after. She took him herself and apparently gave lead hand an earful when she got home. I never heard it though, I was already at work. My mom gets worked up about things. Is that all mothers?

I saw Elle last night too. She had this really sexy pink top on. It was really tight and I wondered how she got out of the house with it on. She likes me to drive her to this vacant lot that one of the farms use for bailed hay and we go in and park cause it's off a back access road no one uses really. We can turn off the head lights and sit in total complete darkness and just look at the stars. It's too cold now to get out, but when we first started going out, I would take her out there and we'd sit for hours on the hood of the car just looking at stars.

We do that now, but from the inside. We sit and listen to music and we make out a little bit. I can tell things are starting to get away from me a little bit. She's wanting more and sort of urging me to explore more with her. She got a bit frustrated with me last night. She takes my hands and puts them on her body and she sort of pulls me to be on top of her. I couldn't even mention to her that she wants to wait til she's married. I thought she might slap me or something. But I told her that I didn't want it to be like that. Her first time shouldn't be in the back seat of my car. She got a bit annoyed with me and pushed me away. She asked me what was the matter- if something was wrong with her. She knows I'm not a virgin- so something must be wrong with her. I felt like crap. I would be with her in a heartbeat. I'm gonna end it with Sara. I'm going to end it as soon as possible cause whatever is going on in Elle's mind isn't good. And I want to be totally free of Sara if Elle and I do decide to go all the way. Of course I want to be with her. I'd be crazy not to.

The Best Kiss Ever...

A couple weeks ago in passing, I caught Sara off guard in the back isle of my store and she kissed me. She rose up against me, pulled me down by my tie and pressed her mouth to mine. It was the best kiss ever; just intense and surging with her lips and her tongue. Her mouth pressed into mine. It was like having sex then and there, in a fleeting moment. I mean, it wasn’t indecent in the middle of the store- it was just totally unexpected and the sensation I got was like how I feel sometimes when we’re together that way. Like I could feel it in the soles of my feet and my fingertips. Then she let go of me and kept walking like she never saw me at all. It was the hottest thing ever. And it’s so vivid in my mind still, that I can just close my eyes and think about it and it’s like she’s right there again. I think about that moment going further. I think about it a lot.

Jason meets Freddy scary.

Friday’s are really tough for me sometimes. It’s just that I have a lot to cram into a short amount of time. When football is on, I go from school, I have football until about 6, then Chapel at 7, then I work from about 830 to sometimes 1 or 2 in the morning. Then, I’m back at work at 8 on most Saturday’s until 3 or 4, but I stay late when they are short handed. Then I’m off Sunday, of course and that’s when I spend the most time with my family and with Elle. Since football has ended, it’s sort of easy now. Elle does spring sports. She will run track this year, and I think that will start up pretty soon. She plays JV Volleyball too, but she’s deciding if she will play this year or not. I don't think I will mind watching her play volleyball, but girl's track and field has never interested me much.

Elle calls me after work on Fridays, but we can’t talk long, it’s just more of a, 'good night, see you tomorrow.' type thing. But it’s good going to sleep after hearing her voice. It sort of calms me right down and gives me something nice to think about it. I can’t wait for Saturday evening cause that’s when I really get to chill out and relax.

Tonight was really long and drawn out at work though. I generally go in a bit early and can talk to the guys that work the register, but for some reason it was really busy and I had to get right to work. There were boxes in the isles and people complaining about not being able to get around, so I was rushing trying to put stuff away, and the manager was getting on my case the whole night. I mean, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do what I do, but I do a good job and I don’t hide from work, and I try to help people if I can. I don’t mind taking groceries out to cars, even when it’s snowing out- but tonight, with us being so busy, my manager was looking for me to get my normal job done, and plus they were short on the register, so I went to help them up front, so I ended up leaving my normal job behind and he made me stay to stock and inventory and he let the cashiers go early. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s a real prick sometimes, that guy. I hope tomorrow is better.

I saw Sara tonight. It used to be hard seeing her on Friday’s at Chapel after being with her on Thursday. Now, it’s not really hard, it’s just sort of routine- uncomfortable. I fantasize about her a lot. And that’s kind of scary. Not scary in a Jason meets Freddy way, but a – 'wow, I shouldn’t be thinking these things.’ kind of scary. I think mostly about her bottom and her lips. Her lips are just like what I imagine silk should be like. And her bottom sort of puts me in thie vulnerable place. I can see her on Friday and Sunday Mass, and then Wednesday Devotion and I watch her walking around and I can’t take my eyes off her cause what’s running through my mind is that my hands have been all over her, and Thursday, they will be again. What happens between us is pretty amazing to me. It’s like better than any good feeling I’ve ever had with Elle- I just wish it was with Elle- I think. Don’t get me wrong, I get to kiss Elle. But it’s really innocent for the most part. It’s more pecking than really kissing. She kisses me all day at school. But it’s sweet and quick and over.

When we are alone and able to really relax with each other, it’s very innocent and calculated on my part. I want to go as far as to keep her satisfied, but not so far as I’m wanting to go too far. That’s happened twice that I can remember. One was prom, and I think she was under a lot of pressure from people at school to do it, and the other was her parents anniversary party where we both snuck a bit to drink and I had to do my level best to keep her in clothes and out of bed.
Elle is really special and beautiful and I like spending that time with her. But it’s Sara that I lay in bed and think about most nights.

Driving Miss Ellie

Here it is late again. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Dave Matthew’s Band is playing behind me- the CD, I mean; telling me he’s “23 and so tired of life- such a shame to throw it all away”. Funny, I can relate. It’s melancholy. Sobering. Sort of what I need to sort out my head on a night like this. It’s H’s old CD collection that I’ve taken over. Not that he noticed or cared. And it saves me buying anything really new.

I have found that I am downloading a lot lately though a couple services. Napster was okay at first, but I’m finding it less and less useful now. I rarely get a chance to listen to much music now with Elle spending so much time in the car. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. I love taking her home- and I get to do it more now football is over. Then days when I don’t chapel, or detention. (I’ve had detention twice this year for being late. Fair enough.) I take her shopping on the weekends, and where ever else. She hops in and puts a CD right in- sometimes even before the door shuts.

Elle spent last summer in England with her Grandparents- before we got together, and she came back with this whole arsenal of British music that no one has ever heard of, but she insists on educating us brutes. I let her do what she wants and it makes her happy.

I saw Sara tonight, I should say. I don’t mind writing 'Sara' because no one calls her that anymore- but a few people anyway. I only call her that in private. Just as a sort of personal thing between us. And when we’re by ourselves, she just totally unwinds, which is cool to see. She smokes and swears and gossips and is just herself for the twenty or thirty minutes we’re alone. She tries to get me to smoke a bit, but I can’t stomach it and she tries to get me to bring her some alcohol, but I can’t get it. She says- if only I was older. I won’t be that age for a long time- I have to keep telling her, but she still acts like my 21st birthday is just around the corner.
I wish.

Wednesday Night Insomniac

Wow. It’s late now. I just can’t sleep. I keep thinking about tomorrow. Same as I do every Wednesday night. My heart beats fast and my palms get sweaty. Just laying in bed thinking about this girl. I’m thinking about what she smells like and what her skin feels like and I’m thinking about her eyes and her little pink lips smiling at me. I feel like I should explain how I feel being with her, but it might be rather explicit; offensive? I don’t know. I know I can say this- I enjoy her a lot.

I can imagine people sitting there thinking what a jerk I am for having a girlfriend, and then doing something with someone else, and I totally know what you’re talking about. I always hated guys that give the ‘good’ guys a bad reputation for pulling stupid crap on their girlfriends. Well, stupid crap just like this a matter of fact. I know if Elle ever found out what I was doing behind her back, she’d be crushed. That’s sort of why I’ve made a conscious decision not to sleep with Elle. Even though I really really want to- and I want to be her first, I keep thinking that she is going to find out one of these days and if I take her virginity that it will be a sour memory for her instead of a good one later on. She deserves better.

Anway… it’s too late. I have a long day tomorrow. I can not wait.

Went to see Jumper last night.

We’re going to Chapel soon.
I’m ready to go… just waiting for the parents now. They take forever. My brother is meeting us. He usually does that. He works a 320 acre farm almost an hours’ drive from here. I am ready ready ready to go and the longer I sit here, the more impatient I get.

Anyway, I met up with my girlfriend last night... Yeah, I did say girlfriend. And before you think it- no, didn’t have sex. I don't mean last night, I mean on a whole. She's still a virgin and we've come close a couple times, but she wants to wait till she's married and I have to remind her of that sometimes. She’s beautiful. She really is gorgeous even and she has the best looking body I think I’ve ever seen, even in some of the magazines. She has long blonde hair and brown eyes. And she’s just- great. She’s perfection. She totally does it for me.
Her dad coaches my football team, and we’ve had “the talk”. The kind you see on TV, but somehow I get the feeling that it’s left to TV mostly. He’s a scary guy- but he trusts me with her so, I’m glad of that. He’s stopped quizzing me on where I’m taking her, or what we’re up to. He’s come in on us kissing in her room, but even that wasn’t too bad, cause I know to keep my hands to myself.

We saw “Jumper” last night. It was good. It was more of a ‘my pick’ than hers. I really REALLY didn’t want to see that “Juno” and felt it was a battle worth fighting. We’ve been actively dating for like five or six months now and she’s really a sweet girl. Some of my friends are convinced we’re at it, but I have to laugh them off, and leave them in suspense. They’d be wondering what I was doing if me and her wasn't doing it. Okay, this ‘she, girlfriend’ her’ business is making me a little nuts. Her name starts with an ‘L’ , so I’ll call her Elle, for explanations sake. Oh and my brother- ‘H’.

Well, that’s them ready to go- so, off I go. Later.

Should I be writing this down?

I just got home from school. I got a call on the way home, and agreed to go out tonight. I feel guilty. I'm sitting here and I'm wondering how I got to this point today. My palms are sweating as I'm thinking; I'm feeling a little damp all over. These things have been heavy on my mind for a little while now and I can't really tell anyone cause I know the outcome wouldn't be nice. I am wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing. I know it's not the right thing, probably- but on a wrongness scale, where am I ranking? I've been sort of keeping it to myself. Not just this, but a few things, for a year- just over a year I think and I don't know what I'm thinking writing this down. I just figure this might be a good place to let it out- without telling anyone and getting anyone, or myself into trouble.

I've been sinning, and it's not the typical kind, I guess. The stuff people do everyday- not normal people anyway. And I've been close to saying something to my brother, but don't even think he would forgive me. I can't tell my family, or my friends, or my girlfriend and I certainly am not gonna tell the Monsignor- who I have been close with a number of years.

I'll just say what is it now, I've been stressing over writing down the words but here it is anyway. I've been having sex. There I said it. And I don't think it's such a big deal, in so much as my sin could be a lot worse, but where it becomes a massive problem is in the fact that I only live in a small place. There is just one church and one chapel and two schools and one gas station- there used to be two. Most of the people here are farmers or work in the town. There's only one main road, and a couple of back streets that are mainly industrial buildings. Everyone goes to church- everyone. Except there are a few old people that don't go anymore, but that's because they can't. But even those folks get visits off the church a couple few times a week.

And even saying that- having sex isn't so uncommon, it's just that my family is really into chapel and I know them finding out would be disasterous. My brother is 19, almost 20 and as far as I can tell, he's still a virgin. He would tell me if he wasn't. I mean, the frist time he felt a girl up, he was dancing around like an idiot for like weeks and wouldn't stop going on about it.

This girl I'm seeing was in my brother's year in school and she belongs to our chapel. He used to tutor her in Algebra and that's how I got to talking to her. But all that is irrelevant. I see her every Thurday night, cause that's when she's free. I mean, I see her unless it's her time of the month, or something, and sometimes I even see her then, if we missed communication. Then we just sit and talk or listen to the radio until she has to get back.

When I say she belongs to our chapel, I mean she belongs to it. She's married to it. She took her vows last year. Yeah, I said vows.
Vows.

And I'm sick sitting here looking at what I'm writing and I know I'm wrong. I'm wrong. And I'm sinning against God and her and myself and the congregation and our families and how can I be acknowleding it- by writing it down. I shouldn't be writing this down. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know whoever, if anyone is reading this- they will be screaming at the screen- "Just end it! Don't see her! Stop doing it!" and I know this, because I tell myself these things every Thursday evening as I'm getting myself all sorted out and dressed, and going down to the car. And I'm able to put the key in the ignition and drive myself into town to meet her again. Her family sends us Christmas cards every year. And our Dad's play golf together sometimes. I know I'm doing wrong. I am wrong. I know I'm big and stupid and slow sometimes, but I can't even use that one as an excuse. I know better.

The first time we got together was last year. Not this past Christmas, but the year before- she was just studying then, not a full fledged member. She was out shopping with the other sisters and she was waiting by herself with a bunch of bags. It was freezing out and the snow was getting heavy, so I offered her a ride up the road. She said no at first, but one of the sisters told her to go on and she did. I helped her load up their stuff in the trunk and started back out to the residence near the chapel. The back road was snowed out, so taking a detour along the highway was the only way to get her there, but would take 15 or 20 minutes longer. I stopped along the way and we got something to eat, and talked a while about school. By the time we did get back outside from the diner, it was black outside.

We sat in the car for a while, letting the engine warm again, and talking and she was thanking me for dinner and getting her home in the atrocious weather, and we had a weird friendly kiss on the cheek. And that turned into these other strange little kisses. It was me pursuing her all the way and I guess in my mind- I thought nothing would ever happen cause she was so ... I dont know, what's the word? Righteous? Pure? None of those fit. I felt safe trying it with her cause I knew she was a 'chick of God'. Nothing wrong could happen- not with her, surely, no matter how far things went. And it went- and went far and just kept going. I was kissing her deeper and deeper, pressing her back on the seat and the whole while thinking that once it started getting too much, she would stop me. It was her job to police me. But I remember scrunching over her in the front seat of my Dad's car, fumbling with our clothes, trying desperately, to make a way through them as instinct started taking over and in a few moments, we were having sex.

And I'm writing this - not for the sake of preaching- or being preached to, cause it's like the only place I can be honest- totally about what's happening, I'll go further to say that no, it wasn't safe and I struggle at being safe with her even now cause condoms aren't the easiest thing to come by in town since everyone knows who's buying what and no I don't want anyone knowing. I can hear it in my head already; people saying- "well, if you're grown up enough to have sex in the first place, you should be grown up enough to by condoms no matter who knows about it." And I don't disagree. I just wish it was as easy and as black and white as that. For all of you thinking it, I'm here to tell you- it's not that easy. If it was, I'd be buying them.

I've even bought some off the internet a few times. I hide them between my box spring and the support rail of my bed, when I have them (maybe that's telling). Now that I'm working part time, I can sort of get them more often, as I need them, but I have forgotten to take one with me on occassion. It didn't stop us from doing it. It's just something that happens. Since I'm being truthful.

I feel better for writing what I've written. Not that any forgiveness is coming my way for it. I have yet to confess any of this, and holding it in has really been heavy on my mind. My palms aren't so sweaty. I don't feel so sick. I'm going to see my girlfriend tonight. She's another story.

Please note, I have omitted part of this post because of the implications that are involved.