Erin's Tickly spot.

Erin kissed me in the hall today. It wasn’t one of those quick hen pecks on the cheek. She put her arms around me and drew herself up to me. I was a little surprised- she never did that before. And just as we got into it a bit, the bell was ringing and she was pulling away to get to class. I hated letting go of her. We sat together at lunch today. We sat away from everyone on a patch of grass along the parkway. It was cool out, but bearable.

I just sort of sat back on my elbow and had a half of Erin’s sandwich and a bag of Doritos. People were watching us. I could feel it. Our every move was being analyzed, picked apart. But I didn’t pay any attention to them after a while. I was into her. I would run my finger along her leg and she would smile when I hit a tickly spot. I liked that she was ticklish. I’m really not very much… so I like to sneak up behind her and kind of press my fingers into her ribs on either side. I like her laugh, but she doesn’t turn around anymore surprised that it’s me- she just lets me stand behind her and kiss her neck a little. I can carry her books for her to three classes, the rest are too far away.

Free Clinic Advice

My Dad took me into the city yesterday for an exam. They took my blood and had me pee in a cup and … I squirm just thinking about it, but they put a little medical rod type thing up my you know what. It hurt like HELL. They asked me all these questions about my sexual history. All these personal questions, even if I’d been with a guy before! Which I NEVER, NO WAY have even thought about it. They sent me away from a bag of condoms. I was kind of embarrassed seeing my dad sitting there waiting for me to come out. He looked really worried when he saw me come out. ‘Is that medicine?’ he asked me. He thought I’d caught something I bet, but I opened it and showed him all the condoms shoved down in the bag and he tapped me on the shoulder and we left.

Stupid Jokes, concerts and things that are sooo good.,

I took Erin home from school yesterday. I saw her waiting on the bus as I was walking along to the car, and thought it was ridiculous that she would be on the bus for like 45minutes, when I could get her home in eight. And she’s not out of the way or anything. We talked about what happened at school. Between me and Elle. She said people are saying we got into an argument and I threw the CD’s at her. Well, not ‘threw’, but flung them at her. I told her that’s not how it happened. I wasn’t even angry really, you know. She’s making things up now. We talked a little about Barry. He’s a good guy. A good football player and he and I were good friends until this thing happened with me and Elle. Now, he hardly has two words to say to me.

I walked Erin up to the house and no one was home when we got there. I asked her if I could come in, which probably wasn’t really the wisest idea I’ve ever had. We sat and watched some TV for a few minutes. I took her hand and traced along her fingers and insider her palm. She’s ticklish there, by the way. It was funny. I would look over at her, and she wouldn’t look back. But I could tell she knew I was watching her. Then after a bit, I asked her if I could kiss her. She was still a little nervous. She started breathing deeply and her skin went flush really quick. I kissed her bottom lip. Really slowly- I thought any sudden moves would send her into a tailspin. Especially when I asked her if we could go to her room. She wanted to know why, and got a little defensive, but I told her just to see her room, you know. She took some coaxing, but we finally went to her room. I asked her to please not be shy with me. If she wanted me, she could say so- because I wanted her and I didn’t want it to be a one time thing with us. We were alone, and no one was around. She didn’t have to be shy. I wouldn’t let anything bad happen, so she didn’t have to feel nervous either.She seemed surprised a little that I said it. But when I went to kiss her, she kissed me back. We sat on the end of her bed, just making out for a while. Then she allowed me to undress her- well, for the most part, she did.

She was really scared to let me see her, or for me to even touch her. But she’s beautiful. Her body is gorgeous. She has freckles on her shoulders. Her hair is long and dark and covers her shoulders, but when I pulled her hair back a little to kiss her neck, I saw them. She has a strawberry birthmark on her hip. It looks like a flower to me. I leaned back for a while, resting on my elbow, just looking at her sitting on the bed beside me with her long hair covering her up, and just about nothing else. She was playing with my bracelet and I was twisting my fingers in her hair. We talked about what it meant for us to be going out. I asked her if I could be her boyfriend and she asked why. I said cause I like her and thought she was beautiful. Then I started kissing her, and began touching her in her private place. She was really quiet at first, but then I could tell she liked it, so I eased her back and kissed her there too. She was so nervous that I could feel her shaking. But I held her hand and tried to make her comfortable. Then I finished undressing and she said she was cold, so we got under her covers and I made love to her.

I got dressed in silence, we both did. She was worried that her Dad would be home soon and her sister would be getting home too. I was just thinking about what my Dad had told me. I did take it to heart, you know- the part about catching a disease, or making a girl pregnant. And we still haven’t found the time to get tested, and I haven’t talked about it with Erin, so I did wear a condom. I guess if it keeps happening, we should talk about it. I mean, the making love part. I say ‘make love’ pretty nonchalantly, but I know there’s a difference. I mean, in my mind, there is a difference. Where I know I’v never been in love with anyone, I know that there’s been only one girl that I cared about when it came to sex. I wont name any names. She’s knows. We’d only did it a few times, but I was totally into her. She knew I wasn’t just there for sex. And the same is true with Erin. I won’t pull that ‘I don’t care’ crap with her- that I normally do with girls. I want it nice and gentle and be able to take all the time she wants, kiss her, hold her, give her whatever she wants- however she wants. Not like most other girls, where I didn’t really even care how it went. I just would put it where it goes and do what I wanted until I’d had enough. Then it was over and I was trying to get away as fast as possible.

Erin made me feel like I didn’t have to be that guy. Tough and rough and having the hot girlfriend all the time. I felt like I could tell Erin my stupid jokes, talk to her about football, go to a rock concert with her, take her out to this horrible little joint way out almost out of town where I love to eat, but I normally wouldn’t take any girl there, cause it’s so greasy and sort of not a place to take a date. Erin was cool like that. AND- not to forget, she lets me do those other private things with her that are soooo good.

Pushing and Shoving a New wave of guilt

I had a sort of rough day at school today. Well, nothing to do with school really. I sat with Erin again for a little while, but she left after she had something to eat and went and sat with her friends on the Landing- another section of the school, inside with tables and chairs. After school Elle caught me going to my car. She was talking some lot of nonsense at me for a bit until I just turned to her and asked her what she wanted. Then she starts rambling off a list of things at my house that were hers. Like CD’s and books and she even mentioned a stupid pen she wanted back. I didn’t even flinch. I just said ‘fine.’ And then she started talking about Erin. She called her some names- really nasty, hateful ones and asked why I was seeing her. If I was just seeing her because I could have sex with her, or what?

Then I stopped and just looked at her.
I had to remember that I wanted to get back with this girl, and if I open my mouth, it will probably make things worse. But she just kept nipping and snapping. She was like a palmaranian at the ankles- growling and biting.

Then I told her not to call Erin those names again, cause she’s not like that- and that I sure wasn’t seeing her (elle) because of sex, so why should I be seeing Erin because of sex? She kind of got upset. Then she said- 'You didn’t have to have sex with her. If you did, then you didn’t have to let everyone know about it.' Then she started to piss me off. I opened up the car and reached in and got two CD’s of hers that I knew was still in the car. And I told her- 'Well, you didn’t have to break up with me, and if you did, you didn’t have to let everyone know about it.'

She was nashing her teeth at me. And said- 'I just wanted a little space.' and without hesitation I said to her- 'well, I'm giving you some.'
About then Barry is coming over and I can see him coming in the corner of my eye. I put the CDs out there for her to take, but she just slaps my hand up and the CD’s crash on the hood of the car, making me really mad. So, I’m like- What did you do that for? And it was kind of loud. And Barry shoves me into the car and goes- what the hell is your problem! And I’d had just about enough of him, so I turn to him and shove him back and say to him –back off, Barry! Then Joey is there with his hands up, getting between us, telling me to calm down, relax- like I did something wrong. And Barry is on the other side of him, pointing his finger at me and ranting about why do I have to be such a little “%&*!” I could tell things were going to get worse, so I just got in the car and closed the door and let them carry on, and slowly move away from me.

Then Joey comes around and gets into the car and closes the door and he’s just sitting there, and we’re not saying anything. Then he looks over and says- what would make you throw these at Elle? And he hands me back the CDs. I couldn’t even take them. I just shook my head. I couldn’t even try to explain, I just kept seeing Barry in my mind. Barry who was my friend last week. And the same Barry that was urging me to go off with Erin that night at the lake. I couldn’t understand it, why he was turning against me. I felt this incredible weight on my shoulders.

The bell rings twice...

When I came in from work today H and my Dad were arguing again. It wasn’t like the normal disagreements that they have from time to time- it was another blow up, like the one a week or so ago. The only part of it I heard was H from another room calling back at my Dad in the living room, saying-It doesn’t matter, it’s not your decision to make, Dad! My Dad isn’t an argument type of person, except with H. I think I can only remember my parents having one really bad argument and my Dad has only been angry with me a couple times, but him and H seem to butt heads religiously and things just seem to be getting worse and worse. He can’t really ‘ground’ H anymore. H is considered a ‘grown up’ in our house. He can’t tell H where or when to go, or how to do anything- but he is full of opinions on everything he does. I’m glad it’s not me. I think he really gives him a hard time a lot. Sometimes I want to just tell him, but I don’t want to start a civil war in the house. My mom is stressed enough about just the normal goings on in the house. So, I just keep out of it. There’s no need in making more tensions.

Do I make you nervous?

I left work and went to Erin’s tonight. We talked a little bit about Elle and what was up with her. I told her that Elle was complicated. But I’m not trying to get back together with her.

I told her I thought she was cute and I wanted to go out with her. She got nervous again. It was funny watching her try to pour us drinks out of a two liter. Sloshing it everywhere. Barely able to hand me the glass. I laughed out loud a little before I could stop myself. Then I just got serious for a minute and asked her why she was so nervous. I wanted her to tell me it was because she liked me, or something, but she said she didn’t know. I walked up on her in the kitchen and asked her "Do I make you nervous?". She wouldn’t even look at me then. So, I sort of had to move around, to get in her way, and bend kind of low to get even with her to kiss her. I put my arms around her waist and sort of had her backed between the kitchen island and-me. It was a nice, slow, relaxed kiss. Her eyes were still closed when I moved back from her lips. It was nice to see her like that. It’s been a long time since I felt that way with a girl. Like knowing that she likes me but she’s too shy to say so. But I liked Erin back and I wasn’t waiting for her to muster up any courage. Where it comes to girls, I’m not the shy type, I guess you figured that one already.

It all happens on the Parkway

Erin came and sat across from me on the Parkway. The 'Parkway' is sort of where the jocks sit at lunch period, the cheerleaders and some seniors that stay for lunch. It's a narrow strip of grass with metal tables/benches and a long sidewalk that runs along the side of the school where all the choice parking is for students.

It was sort of shocking cause no one was expecting it, and the guys sort of looked at me weird. But everyone was nice to her. Elle was at the far end of the table with her friends. When Erin sat down, Elle slammed her can of Coke down and took her stuff and left. I told Erin not to worry about it.

Barry caught me after school today. He was really in some half cocked mood- almost like he was ready to start a fight. I hope it’s not with me- Barry’s a monster. He was asking what I was thinking bringing ‘that girl’ around. He said Elle was crying her eyes out about it and I was being a ‘jerk’ to put it lightly. I had to remind him that she’s the one that broke up with me.
I like Erin, she’s cool. He said fine, whatever, but I didn’t have to rub it in her face. I wasn’t trying to, but I’m not about to tip toe around her. If she was that pissed off about it- she should have thought of that before she needed some “space”.