Should I be writing this down?

I just got home from school. I got a call on the way home, and agreed to go out tonight. I feel guilty. I'm sitting here and I'm wondering how I got to this point today. My palms are sweating as I'm thinking; I'm feeling a little damp all over. These things have been heavy on my mind for a little while now and I can't really tell anyone cause I know the outcome wouldn't be nice. I am wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing. I know it's not the right thing, probably- but on a wrongness scale, where am I ranking? I've been sort of keeping it to myself. Not just this, but a few things, for a year- just over a year I think and I don't know what I'm thinking writing this down. I just figure this might be a good place to let it out- without telling anyone and getting anyone, or myself into trouble.

I've been sinning, and it's not the typical kind, I guess. The stuff people do everyday- not normal people anyway. And I've been close to saying something to my brother, but don't even think he would forgive me. I can't tell my family, or my friends, or my girlfriend and I certainly am not gonna tell the Monsignor- who I have been close with a number of years.

I'll just say what is it now, I've been stressing over writing down the words but here it is anyway. I've been having sex. There I said it. And I don't think it's such a big deal, in so much as my sin could be a lot worse, but where it becomes a massive problem is in the fact that I only live in a small place. There is just one church and one chapel and two schools and one gas station- there used to be two. Most of the people here are farmers or work in the town. There's only one main road, and a couple of back streets that are mainly industrial buildings. Everyone goes to church- everyone. Except there are a few old people that don't go anymore, but that's because they can't. But even those folks get visits off the church a couple few times a week.

And even saying that- having sex isn't so uncommon, it's just that my family is really into chapel and I know them finding out would be disasterous. My brother is 19, almost 20 and as far as I can tell, he's still a virgin. He would tell me if he wasn't. I mean, the frist time he felt a girl up, he was dancing around like an idiot for like weeks and wouldn't stop going on about it.

This girl I'm seeing was in my brother's year in school and she belongs to our chapel. He used to tutor her in Algebra and that's how I got to talking to her. But all that is irrelevant. I see her every Thurday night, cause that's when she's free. I mean, I see her unless it's her time of the month, or something, and sometimes I even see her then, if we missed communication. Then we just sit and talk or listen to the radio until she has to get back.

When I say she belongs to our chapel, I mean she belongs to it. She's married to it. She took her vows last year. Yeah, I said vows.
Vows.

And I'm sick sitting here looking at what I'm writing and I know I'm wrong. I'm wrong. And I'm sinning against God and her and myself and the congregation and our families and how can I be acknowleding it- by writing it down. I shouldn't be writing this down. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know whoever, if anyone is reading this- they will be screaming at the screen- "Just end it! Don't see her! Stop doing it!" and I know this, because I tell myself these things every Thursday evening as I'm getting myself all sorted out and dressed, and going down to the car. And I'm able to put the key in the ignition and drive myself into town to meet her again. Her family sends us Christmas cards every year. And our Dad's play golf together sometimes. I know I'm doing wrong. I am wrong. I know I'm big and stupid and slow sometimes, but I can't even use that one as an excuse. I know better.

The first time we got together was last year. Not this past Christmas, but the year before- she was just studying then, not a full fledged member. She was out shopping with the other sisters and she was waiting by herself with a bunch of bags. It was freezing out and the snow was getting heavy, so I offered her a ride up the road. She said no at first, but one of the sisters told her to go on and she did. I helped her load up their stuff in the trunk and started back out to the residence near the chapel. The back road was snowed out, so taking a detour along the highway was the only way to get her there, but would take 15 or 20 minutes longer. I stopped along the way and we got something to eat, and talked a while about school. By the time we did get back outside from the diner, it was black outside.

We sat in the car for a while, letting the engine warm again, and talking and she was thanking me for dinner and getting her home in the atrocious weather, and we had a weird friendly kiss on the cheek. And that turned into these other strange little kisses. It was me pursuing her all the way and I guess in my mind- I thought nothing would ever happen cause she was so ... I dont know, what's the word? Righteous? Pure? None of those fit. I felt safe trying it with her cause I knew she was a 'chick of God'. Nothing wrong could happen- not with her, surely, no matter how far things went. And it went- and went far and just kept going. I was kissing her deeper and deeper, pressing her back on the seat and the whole while thinking that once it started getting too much, she would stop me. It was her job to police me. But I remember scrunching over her in the front seat of my Dad's car, fumbling with our clothes, trying desperately, to make a way through them as instinct started taking over and in a few moments, we were having sex.

And I'm writing this - not for the sake of preaching- or being preached to, cause it's like the only place I can be honest- totally about what's happening, I'll go further to say that no, it wasn't safe and I struggle at being safe with her even now cause condoms aren't the easiest thing to come by in town since everyone knows who's buying what and no I don't want anyone knowing. I can hear it in my head already; people saying- "well, if you're grown up enough to have sex in the first place, you should be grown up enough to by condoms no matter who knows about it." And I don't disagree. I just wish it was as easy and as black and white as that. For all of you thinking it, I'm here to tell you- it's not that easy. If it was, I'd be buying them.

I've even bought some off the internet a few times. I hide them between my box spring and the support rail of my bed, when I have them (maybe that's telling). Now that I'm working part time, I can sort of get them more often, as I need them, but I have forgotten to take one with me on occassion. It didn't stop us from doing it. It's just something that happens. Since I'm being truthful.

I feel better for writing what I've written. Not that any forgiveness is coming my way for it. I have yet to confess any of this, and holding it in has really been heavy on my mind. My palms aren't so sweaty. I don't feel so sick. I'm going to see my girlfriend tonight. She's another story.

Please note, I have omitted part of this post because of the implications that are involved.