Am I Daydreaming again?

It’s Wednesday again. Prayer seemed to go on and on tonight. I guess a bit because I was in a hurry to leave out of there. I’ve sort of had a bad couple of days this week and I had an argument with Elle earlier today. My friend met me today after school and was asking me if me and Elle had broken up and what had happened. I told him of course not, but then he tells me she was really flirty with him last week, and then today at break she was totally coming on to him. Then when I asked her about it, she kind of blew me off and said what did I care, and that I don’t pay her any mind anyway. Then I tried to get her to come with me to the car and she flipped her hand up at me and walked the other way.All I could think of was- Oh god, she knows- she knows. But knowing Elle, I think she’d probably punch me if she did find out.

I’m not going to see Sara tomorrow. I say that, but to be honest, I’m not sure. I miss her. I thought it was all about sex and lust and the thrill of being somewhere with someone doing something I shouldn’t, but laying here thinking about her I know it’s not only that. Sara is beautiful in an Avril Lavigne meets Brittany Murphy sort of way. She’s totally not someone I would ever find attractive in the real world, but she has this raw energy that just pulls me in. She’s the only girl that’s let me see her stark naked in day light. And she didn’t care or hide or cover up from me. She doesn’t shy away from me kissing her or touching her anywhere I want to. And she never holds her tongue if I get a little clumsy or awkward. She’s called me many a bastard or Jackass when I slip to the wrong place, or cant find a rhythm. I mean, I’m only young, so I know I’m not the most accomplished guy in that department, but I know I’m much better a lover now than I was a year ago- and she doesn’t get frustrated with me much at all anymore. I miss her voice. I miss her skin and the way we feel together. I don’t have any real attachment to her, so I know I’m not in love with her, I love Elle. And Sara isn’t the first girl I’ve been with, so it’s not like that either, I don’t know what it is about her that I can’t let go of. I wish someone would tell me.
Elle loves me. She wants me to make love to her. Im telling her no because its what I think is best for her and I can imagine her going off with some other guy because she thinks Im not interested in her. Some anybody that doesn’t care about her, doesn’t love her, doesn’t care if shes a virgin or not. Uses her and throws her away. The circumstances may not be ideal, but I’m trying to sort that out. I would make sure she was comfortable and felt safe with me. Then I would go slow, be totally careful with her, and she would know that when it was over that I wasn’t going anywhere.

I don’t know what a girl wants from her first time. I’ve never had a reason to think about it, except with Elle, since that’s like all I think about with her. We don’t talk about us having sex. We talk about other people having sex and us not having sex. Maybe I got it all wrong. My head is all over the shop.
The Monsignor asked if I was okay today. He said I looked worried and upset. I’ll be going to confession Friday for the first time in ages. I know he won’t be there so I don’t have to try to luck out. If I told him what was on my mind he’d probably… I don’t know what he’d do. Probably ask me back for a whiskey or have me committed or something. Am I daydreaming again?

I think the answer is Yes.