My throat is sore. My head is a little fuzzy.
But I jumped at the chance to see Elle, even in the driven rain. I went to her house and waited for her in the car. She ran out and jumped in and I was about to start the car when she told me to wait, she wanted to talk to me. She said she wanted to see me and she turned around to me in the car and she took my hands and told me she thinks it's best if we had some space.
She said she thought we should take a break for a while. Take a breath. Something like that. It’s all a bit of a blur now, I’m not entirely sure of what she did say exactly- except for the taking a break part. And the needing some space. She basically dumped me right there in her driveway.
Then after she asked me like 6 times if it was okay, and we were alright, I watched her go back into the house while I sat there. Then I remember resting my forehead on the steering wheel and feeling just sick inside. Like just above my stomach was burning, like the way you feel when guilt takes a hold of you, except it was just sad, hurt kind of pain. I felt awful.
Back home and laying in my bed listening to The Fray and looking around my room at Jessica Alba and Halle Berry and Shakira and all these extremely sexy, beautiful women and right now I just want Elle. My elle.
I lost my virginity at 14. It was such a fleeting thing that I’m not even sure it counts. I mean, it was over before it really started and didn’t happen again for like months. It was at a guy’s party. My brother’s old friends, and there was drinking and drugs and lots of girls in little clothes, and sort of the people we don’t normally hang out with. I was mesmerized and I think H was too. A really drunk girl sort of pulled me into a room and we sort of did it in the bed that people had thrown their coats on. She just grabbed me in and shut the door and pulled me back until we fell into the bed and she basically did everything to make it happen- we didn’t even really speak to each other or touch each other and it happened so fast that I wasn’t sure it had happened, except the evidence was on her clothes. Then it was over and we never saw each other again. I never told anybody about that night.
But for like three or four months straight, sex was all I could think about. I just wanted to do it again as soon as possible, so where I was once occupied totally by choir practice, football, baseball, hockey, collecting and trading sports cards and making model cars and watching basketball on TV, all of a sudden, it was just football and sex on my mind. I somehow couldn’t find time for anything else and immediately tried to find a girl that I knew would – you know, let me. And a few months later, BAM, I started dating this girl Alicia, she was a year older than me, and after we went out like twice, we were having sex. But after a couple months I found out she wasn’t just letting me- I was one of like several guys she was – seeing.
Then I turned 15, and had a couple girlfriends in my grade and there was sex with both of them. Not together. Then about the middle of the year I started seeing Sara. That’s really not that many girls. I know some guys my age that say they are in double figures. Don’t know how true it is, but I believe it. I’m sad about Elle. I’m confused a little bit. I’m convinced I love her because if I didn’t it would have been easy for me to go to bed with her. But it wasn’t. And I've broke up with girls before, it never felt like this, like I was broken.
I wanted to keep her as she was, instead of taint her, or whatever and that got me no where with her in the long run. Maybe I should have just did what she wanted and I wanted. What would have been so bad if we had done it? She would have been happy and I would have too. We'd probably still be together right now. But instead, I’m sitting here on spring break wondering what guy she’s out with, and if she’s sleeping with him or not. Like Barry, who she made passes at. I wonder if she would sleep with him. Or Derek, or Ben or Matt or the Matt that plays LaCrosse, girls seem to really like him and he brags about every one. I swear if he says anything about her, I’ll beat the crap out of him. I wonder what she’s doing now.
I’m hoping the party is still on for this weekend at the lake. I have to do something to take my mind off Elle and what she’s doing, or not doing, or seeing or not seeing and why she’s not seeing me. Put as much alcohol in my system as possible and just deal with the hangover Saturday. That’s my new brilliant plan- none of the rest seem to work. This one should.
But I jumped at the chance to see Elle, even in the driven rain. I went to her house and waited for her in the car. She ran out and jumped in and I was about to start the car when she told me to wait, she wanted to talk to me. She said she wanted to see me and she turned around to me in the car and she took my hands and told me she thinks it's best if we had some space.
She said she thought we should take a break for a while. Take a breath. Something like that. It’s all a bit of a blur now, I’m not entirely sure of what she did say exactly- except for the taking a break part. And the needing some space. She basically dumped me right there in her driveway.
Then after she asked me like 6 times if it was okay, and we were alright, I watched her go back into the house while I sat there. Then I remember resting my forehead on the steering wheel and feeling just sick inside. Like just above my stomach was burning, like the way you feel when guilt takes a hold of you, except it was just sad, hurt kind of pain. I felt awful.
Back home and laying in my bed listening to The Fray and looking around my room at Jessica Alba and Halle Berry and Shakira and all these extremely sexy, beautiful women and right now I just want Elle. My elle.
I lost my virginity at 14. It was such a fleeting thing that I’m not even sure it counts. I mean, it was over before it really started and didn’t happen again for like months. It was at a guy’s party. My brother’s old friends, and there was drinking and drugs and lots of girls in little clothes, and sort of the people we don’t normally hang out with. I was mesmerized and I think H was too. A really drunk girl sort of pulled me into a room and we sort of did it in the bed that people had thrown their coats on. She just grabbed me in and shut the door and pulled me back until we fell into the bed and she basically did everything to make it happen- we didn’t even really speak to each other or touch each other and it happened so fast that I wasn’t sure it had happened, except the evidence was on her clothes. Then it was over and we never saw each other again. I never told anybody about that night.
But for like three or four months straight, sex was all I could think about. I just wanted to do it again as soon as possible, so where I was once occupied totally by choir practice, football, baseball, hockey, collecting and trading sports cards and making model cars and watching basketball on TV, all of a sudden, it was just football and sex on my mind. I somehow couldn’t find time for anything else and immediately tried to find a girl that I knew would – you know, let me. And a few months later, BAM, I started dating this girl Alicia, she was a year older than me, and after we went out like twice, we were having sex. But after a couple months I found out she wasn’t just letting me- I was one of like several guys she was – seeing.
Then I turned 15, and had a couple girlfriends in my grade and there was sex with both of them. Not together. Then about the middle of the year I started seeing Sara. That’s really not that many girls. I know some guys my age that say they are in double figures. Don’t know how true it is, but I believe it. I’m sad about Elle. I’m confused a little bit. I’m convinced I love her because if I didn’t it would have been easy for me to go to bed with her. But it wasn’t. And I've broke up with girls before, it never felt like this, like I was broken.
I wanted to keep her as she was, instead of taint her, or whatever and that got me no where with her in the long run. Maybe I should have just did what she wanted and I wanted. What would have been so bad if we had done it? She would have been happy and I would have too. We'd probably still be together right now. But instead, I’m sitting here on spring break wondering what guy she’s out with, and if she’s sleeping with him or not. Like Barry, who she made passes at. I wonder if she would sleep with him. Or Derek, or Ben or Matt or the Matt that plays LaCrosse, girls seem to really like him and he brags about every one. I swear if he says anything about her, I’ll beat the crap out of him. I wonder what she’s doing now.
I’m hoping the party is still on for this weekend at the lake. I have to do something to take my mind off Elle and what she’s doing, or not doing, or seeing or not seeing and why she’s not seeing me. Put as much alcohol in my system as possible and just deal with the hangover Saturday. That’s my new brilliant plan- none of the rest seem to work. This one should.
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