Promiscuous? The bottle!

My mom called the farm where H works and he had come in this morning. She was happy, and I guess she was looking at all the bad things that could have happen. Once she got a hold of the farm she went to bed. I didn't bother her. She had a lot on her mind.

My dad didn’t have much to say today. When H came home this evening, my mom was all over him- I don’t mean she was yelling and screaming down his throat, I mean she was just attentive and worrisome. Pestering even. She made his favorite dinner, roast and potatoes and baked bread, and she never does that unless it’s a First Sunday or a holiday. My Dad didn’t have anything to say at dinner either. I think my Mom told him to shut his mouth and leave the boy alone. It was a bittersweet silence though. It was like everyone was glad he was there, but really uncomfortable cause no one wanted to spoil it by saying the wrong thing.

Me and H had a real good talk just a little while ago in his room. He was lying on his bed looking at a magazine and I got a little lonely and went to talk to him like we used to talk before we both got so busy. I asked him about the girl he brought by. Questions that had been burning since she first came over. He met her in a chat room and found out she didn’t live that far away and was the same age as him. They talked for a while before she sent him her picture and he found out she wasn’t white. But he showed me her picture on the internet and she wasn’t something to just pass by, so they kept talking and getting to know each other and decided to meet up and they hit it off. I asked him were they together-together, or what, and he just kind of shrugged, not saying much really. So, I asked him what she was like- like kissing and fooling around and he said she was a great kisser. I asked him- 'well, what else?' And he just kind of looked at me. Then he says – 'well, we’re gonna wait. What do you mean?'

It kind of took me by surprise that he said that. It had been drummed into my head so much lately- wait wait wait, that it didn’t occur to me that it could have been drummed into anyone else's head too. He wasn’t saying much so I asked him outright if he was a virgin and he said he was- and don’t look so surprised. Then he completely got me off guard when he said that he knew I wasn’t a virgin. I had no rebuttle ready at all. I wasn’t expecting that. I just sort of wanted to fade into the background and hide and I asked him how did he know- then he shocked me even further by saying- “Everybody knows you’re not a virgin, Jake.” I kid you not- he said it just like that, word for word. I asked him what he meant by that- the ‘everybody’ part and he smiled at me and kind of laughed as he was telling me. He said – You’re kind of promiscuous, Jake. Guys aren’t the only ones that shoot their mouths off. For a while I didn’t know what the heck he was talking about. I had to come back to my room and look up ‘promiscuous’ before I figured out he what he was calling me. And what he meant.

Hence my post right now, instead of later and probably on some other entirely different topic.

How did he know anyway? Now I’m here on my own and I’m wondering if he knows about me and Sara. And what he thinks of me for it- if he does know. I haven’t been with that many girls. Probably more than I should at my age, but not some alarming number in my mind anyway. It wasn’t like I’m stalking around looking for sex or doing it with whoever comes along like that ‘promiscuous’ word seems to suggest. I looked it up on dictionary.com and the meaning there was:

1. characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, esp. having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.

Then it goes further to add:—

Synonyms 1. unchaste. 2. hodgepodge, confused, mixed, jumbled, careless.

Am I those things? And if I am, what is the opposite? What’s the middle ground? Is there no going back? And if I am those things, is it a bad thing- outside the realm of religious teaching I mean, of course? I can’t change what I’ve done and I can’t change who I am. I’m not setting out every morning to be some predator. And I don’t have lots of partners on a casual basis.

Is that really how H sees me?