Milling around and waiting for the word

I went to confession Friday. It was a numbing experience. I could only speak what my mouth would let me and the sordid details of my sinning, never managed to spill out. I was thinking them loud enough. I just wanted to start rambling- telling everything, but I tried to keep things as cut and dry as possible. I left out the sort of damning details and only told Father Michael I had been lying to my parents and had been having premarital sex. This wasn’t something he hadn’t heard from be before, so I was glad it was him and not the Monsignor. It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it was going to be, and he tried to advise me, and asked me to talk to my parents about my concerns. No big deal. I’ll just run over and tell them, right? Think I’ll pass.

Elle and I had three sort of short conversations over the weekend on the phone. She’s really up set at me and I know Saturday night she went out with a couple girls on her Volleyball team, and they met up with some guys. Well, I only know because one of them is a friend of mine and asked where I was. I’m starting to think, maybe Elle is gonna break it off with me soon. She’s never been so cold to me since we’ve been dating and maybe I’ve messed it up with her.

I had this brilliant plan that I would save for the next few weeks and have H book a room for us in the city. And I would set it up for us, so we would have candles and strawberries and that music she likes and we would make love then. Not back on the farm lot in the back of my car, not sneaking around behind the bleachers, or in the industrial row in town. I wanted it to be as special as I could and maybe with all this waiting and planning, I blew it.

I sort of milled around Sunday, waiting for Elle to call, but she didn’t. My Dad asked me what was up and my Mom made me cookies. They know things aren’t right between us. I guess it’s obvious with me moping around like a sad puppy and jumping up to get the phone everytime it rings. I deserve it if she is gonna dump me.

It’s the start of spring break today. My friend Joey has been at me all last week about going to the lake, but it’s of course pouring rain today. He’s got a keg that’s been waiting in the wings for Spring break and a few of us have contributed 5 or 10 bucks each to harder alcohol and food. I don’t drink a lot, like some of the guys do. Some of them end up drunk before it even gets to ten- then they can make real asses of themselves, or get sick all over the place, or just pass out and need babysat. I’ve drank a few times till I was sick, but I really hate being hung over- it ruins me for days. I’ve baby sat Elle a few times, but I don’t mind that so much as long as it’s late enough that the night isn’t ruined. She can have two beers and need a baby sitter. She’s funny like that. I hope the week isn’t a total wash out. I am gonna get so hammered. I’m a little depressed right now, if you can’t tell. I have a lot of time to write this week though. There’s other stuff happening. I’ll have time to write it out later. Oh, happy St. Patrick's, by the way.